Self Care and All that Jazz

I wrote that last post and felt so down. Then I unsuccessfully once again went to my therapists office to break up with her. Instead I spent the session trying to explain to her how I felt and she prompting me to figure out if it was the situation making it worse or if this is something more. I find these chats annoying as f-ck as I would rather she validate me instead of questioning me nonstop. Anyway, I left there armed with some insight. (ok fine it works)

Since we moved, we've been trying to put the kids to bed in their respective rooms meaning both of us are on for go-to-sleep duty. That starts at about 7:30pm and lasts until about 9pm when Z finally gives up. X falls asleep quickly, it's the 3 yo who is a pain in the ass. I get up at about 4:45am to go to the gym so this means I have zero downtime from when I leave work to my head hitting the pillow. 

So, I talked with S and we're going to go back to alternating bedtime routine duties during the week. We started it and amazingly, I had some time to read and work on decorating ideas for the new house. By the end of the week I didn't feel as frazzled and exhausted. 




#MicroblogMondays - Depression


I'm depressed. 

I'm medicated.

It's not a magic bullet.

I was trying to explain to S what depression feels like, because all my family sees right now is me not happy and on edge. I spent the entire summer dealing with anxiety with the buying of a house, selling of a house, and all of it not on my preferred timeline. Now that it's done, we've moved in, we've sold the other house, we've put the money back in S's IRA, recast the mortgage loan with the proceeds of our house's flipped. Depression is back in a big way. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to reframe and give myself a break, and I'm less than successful. I spend a lot of time wanting/needing/craving a break from life in general.  I took Friday off of work in the name of self care to watch movies while editing X's school directory, paint my nails and ride my bike. That was great, but the house was still a disorganized mess that needs to be cleaned. I swear it won't feel like it's my house until I have everything where I want it, and it looks like a mid-mod style freaking Rock.well painting. As if that will cure the depression once and for all. I know it won't, but it's one thing I can control. 

The hard part about depression is that it never goes away. When I started therapy 4 years ago I thought I just needed help through a life transition. Then there was a name put to my symptoms. Then there was medication. Then I worked on a lot of crap. Then she moved. Then I took a break and things were pretty good. Then I needed more therapy. Two years into that therapy, I'm figuring out that I will be living with this for the rest of my life and I'll never be "cured". Medication takes the edge off and evens me out, it doesn't stop the thoughts. The imposter feeling, the inner critic telling me I'm not good enough. That is present 100% of the time.

Even if She isn't a Narcissist....

I have avoidant attachment issues. I am accused of not having EI in my workplace. I tamp emotions down and explode when it becomes too much.  


Therapist isn't convinced that my mom is a narcissist, especially because she's never talked with her. Now she does acknowledge crappy attachment and cluelessness when it comes to my mom. So, if she's not a narcissist, and she did the best she could raising me, I still struggle a lot with the idea that I am completely screwed up emotionally because of her. I'm still angry and I haven't been able to get past that part. I know I need to find another therapist and I should have by now. Breaking up with a therapist is oddly hard to do.  

I have at least 3 options for therapists to check out and I've had their names and numbers for months.  

I guess my goal for myself by the end of the year is to break up with mine and have at least one appointment with the recommendations I've been given. 

Why is it so hard to make changes that I know I need? 

#MicroblogMondays - It Was Going to be Funny but...

As I'm writing this, I'm remembering that it's 9/11. I feel like I should mark it, even though it's something that for me has faded since I didn't have any personal ties to the event. Granted, things have changed (and not for the better) in this country, and I worry about my son constantly given his size (at 6 he's as tall or taller than 8 year olds) and his features (having Northern Indian features is going to make him a target for anti-Mid-East assholes, no doubt about it).

Back to the funny/gross post I was thinking about when I opened my blog. We are slowly moving into our new house and thankfully last week the closing on the house we sold went smoothly meaning we were able to dodge a big bill for a bridge loan. *phew* Now we can finally get serious about furniture buying and really getting this place set up like we want it. One of those things was painting the office and getting it together so that I don't have to work at the kitchen table anymore. The area rug I'm going to use is one we've had for about 10 years. I've never cleaned it beyond vacuuming and this morning I know, probably should get out the steam cleaner and give it a good cleaning.

This is what I ended up with:


Clearly, I am not the best housekeeper.


Being Angry

I had a visit with my brother and his family that went horribly wrong. L and I got into a huge fight when I pointed out that using a sugar skull image in his band's promotion is cultural appropriation. The short version, it degenerated into me trying to browbeat him into submission and him throwing in my face that I've never lived anywhere where race is an issue. (he lived in Atlanta, North Carolina and Arkansas)

The fight doesn't really matter, what matters is how he was a fucking asshole about me reading books written by POC, listening to podcasts about race but HE one time stood up for a black man. Said black man a) didn't know L was standing up for him and b) had already been fired from the job. When that example was thrown at me in a holier than thou attitude I lost my fucking mind. 

My brother is the typical white liberal privileged male. He didn't know what cultural appropriation is and he stated that in standing up for this guy, he did the right thing and it was so scary but at least he did it. And then he proceeded to throw in my face that I don't have POC who are friends and I live in a less than diverse city. Although, it's was more diverse than any goddamn rural town in the PNW.  

We didn't resolve it before going to bed and in the morning when I was getting to leave I apologized for how I said things but not for what I said. It wasn't productive and I own that. But I still think he thinks he's above reproach and that makes me crazy. He can't see that in referring to one part of his town as the "south side" is creating bias in his daughters for instance and he insists he doesn't have internal biases because he has had POC who are friends and talked to them about racism.

The brief interlude this morning ended in yet another shouting match and I won't be visiting them anymore when I travel to his neck of the woods. He accused me of being too angry and treating our parents poorly. He told me I can't have meaningful relationships and I'm superficial.

  Now I'm left wondering if I'm the toxic person in all this and if I were just different somehow these things wouldn't happen. It's my childhood all over again. 

It's the Little Things?

I often feel guilty for not calling or writing my senators enough regarding the sad state of affairs 45 has created.

I often feel guilty that I don't actively participate in SURJ actions. 

I often feel guilty that when we moved to a more diverse area, we bought the biggest most expensive house on the block.  

I often feel guilty that we perpetuate public school problems by choosing a charter school. 

The one action I've taken in the last year that makes me proud is emailing the police department when the updates I was getting for my district included Crime Stoppers. In one instance in particular, the email snippet included the fact that the suspect was a person of color was on the first line. The second incident featuring a white suspect did not call out the suspect's race on the first line. Rather you saw from the security footage picture that the suspect was white.  I found the contact information for the officer who maintains the public distribution and emailed him my concerns that descriptions such as these are racist and perpetuate stereotypes. Since then, the bulletins have excluded the description of race in the snippets and every suspect is described in the same manner.  


Sometimes the simple email works?

Moving Day

I'm pretty ambivalent about the move even as I work on figuring out how to decorate the place. 

Our house is under contract, but we had trouble with the negotiations and the buyers have been doing a lot of inspections. What I mean to say is that I'm not holding my breath. Nothing has gone our way regarding the sale of our house, so getting to closing date on this deal before we have to close on a bridge loan will be a goddamn miracle. 


What Do A Hibiscus IPA and a Hoppy Pale Ale Have In Common?

The fact that I'm in Portland, happily sharing my finds in a city with a person I like. I'm traveling with a colleague that I get along with really well and is like a brother to me. I love that we share the beer and wine drinking interest so I can be super excited about beers I like showing up on a menu and he'll get equally excited. It's fun to travel with a like-minded colleague and friend, someone I can be open and raw with when it comes to work shit. I have his back and he has mine, and that's something I haven't experienced in my career until now. While there's still a boundary I push against on his side, I've opened up on my side. I wonder what's happening in his world sometimes, but if he isn't going to share, then why keep pushing?

It's part of my work to be more vulnerable. Something I'm trying to practice at work more and more. It's always easier to practice it with people I regard as friends, and I keep pushing forward when it comes to my bosses. Baby steps ensure that I am continually working this practice as much as I pull back against it.

A Closing

We close on the new house tomorrow, without an offer on our house. This has caused so much stress within my life and marriage it's unfuckingbelievable . I take that back, it's believable, because I've lived this before while trying to have kids. I'm struggling to be excited about the new house while the little voice in my head is screaming "YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING MAKING A HUGE DECISION LIKE THIS AND COUNTING ON YOUR HOUSE SELLING IN 2 WEEKS? NOW LOOK AT THE MESS YOU'RE IN"

This is what happens when I don't listen to Lainey's mom! I'm a Tiger and S is a Pig. Apparently a perfect love match, so at least we have that going for us. Basically, I'm not supposed to rush into any big decisions, and S isn't going to have a great year plus there could be financial implications. Ya think?

Chinese horoscopes and their interpretations aside, now we are in a pickle and it goes a little something like this:

- take a big chunk of $ out of S's IRA to cover our cash at closing tomorrow.

- Put said big chunk back into the IRA within 60 days or end up with an enormous tax bill

- Apply for a bridge loan in a couple weeks

- Take out a loan on my retirement account to help cover 2 mortgages and a bridge loan (which pretty much total my entire monthly take home pay)

- Sit and wait for our house to sell. That's where the damn money is. ALL of it.

A Vacation

We went on vacation without the kids. This is the first time we've been away from them for more than 2 nights, and the first real vacation we've had since before X was born. "Real" vacation in my mind includes the beach and no family obligations, you know?

Being away from the kids was pretty easy because I'm lucky to have in-laws who really like taking care of them. S's parents took them for the whole week, and we talked to them everyday making it easy to check in and assess the situation. No complaints were had on either side, except for the inevitable end of the week comment when MIL labeled them high energy, a euphemism for exhausting. (oh, don't I know it)

Now my parents on the other hand? When I asked my mom if they'd like to have them the second half of the week, she said yes. S talked to his mom about it, and then we left it up to the two grandmothers to work out the logistics. Then, we find out on Wednesday that when pressed to set up a time to take the kids my mom told S's parents that she had just gotten back from vacation herself visiting her sisters, was busy and she "understands how precious this time is for them". S's dad was taken aback enough to tell S he wasn't sure what that meant, and S took the opportunity to point out that this is the exact reason why we struggle with the relationship with my parents. S's parents are the opposite of confrontational so they just dropped it and kept the kids for another 4 nights. I don't know why the hell my mom would say something like that and I don't feel like confronting it. I haven't figured out how to ask the right questions to get a real answer, I often wonder if I will get the real answer, and in my head the real answer is that she didn't want to watch them but won't say it. 

Meanwhile, our house has not sold, and I'm losing sleep over the decisions we've made over the past 2 months. We've dropped the price significantly on our house, and it looks like that generated more interest, so we'll see what the next week brings. We close on the new house in 2 weeks and not having this one under contract scares the bejeezus out of me.

So much for I have insomnia.

I'll leave you with pretty pictures