Borrowing Mel's Spirit

In the spirit of "dump", I'm shortening my sidebar "My Story".  I guess at this point every month of acupuncture, HSG, blood tests, Clomid, Femara, IUI, Lap, IUI don't really matter anymore.  I can boil it down to one sentence.  We spent 1 year half-ass trying not to conceive, 1 year trying to conceive, and 1 year really trying to conceive

Last night for the first time since we started the adoption process I felt as hopeless as the end of our fertility treatments.  Numb.  Rudderless.  We just sat in front of the TV eating dinner in utter silence.  The extent of the conversation:

Me:  Have I told you I feel as bad now as I did at the end of the fertility treatments?

S:  No, really?

Me:  Yeah, but at least I'm not on hormones that make me crazy.

So, I'm either depressed or on the verge of depression.  So is S.  I thought he was all hunky-dory with the wait because no matter how long it is we know that eventually we will have a baby.  The news we got yesterday revealed that he's much better at pretending everything is hunky-dory.  We were both upset by the lack placements and hearing that the agency is "slow".  AGAIN.

I have no idea what we can do to try to speed up the process.  We aren't going to be profiled where we are on the list now so it's not like our profile is keeping us down.  Yet.  I suppose we can advertise online and try to find an expectant mother.  But that gives me the heebie jeebies.  Switch agencies?  I don't even know what that entails.  Would we have to redo our homestudy and basically be out $7k because we have to start over?

I suppose I should do a brain dump and try to go back to that quasi-happy place I was in 4 months ago when it seemed like fun to "be expecting".  It sure ain't fun right now.