Dissatisfaction

I compare myself to others, like a lot.  Like 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  At the moment I'm on a F-B hold because I'm starting to wonder if it affects my mental health.  Ah, forget that, it definitely affects my mental health.  Even though I know my friends are pregnant, I hate the posts that state how awesome it was to hear a heartbeat.  Granted, that one occurred on the same weekend that we subjected ourselves to a racial identity and racism workshop that left me rattled for 4 days and required two therapy appointments to work through (along with my inability to attend baby showers and extreme jealousy over other's announcements). 

I compare myself to other bloggers.  Usually, when I'm feeling like my mind is a sieve that retains nothing useful, I remind myself I'm an engineer.  Expressing myself in general is difficult for me and I'm always had an abrupt and somewhat stilted writing style.  Given the push to be a straight-A student through my entire life and my penchant for reading, you'd think that I would have developed a fluid and thoughful writing style.  Occasionally I think I do capture that style I'm striving for, but those posts usually take me days to write.  More often than not I'm blogging like it's a diary, spewing forth a stream of consciousness complete with snarky comments and horrible grammar. 

It leaves me feeling dissatisfied to read everyone else's awesome posts that are so well crafted and offer so many insights when all I'm doing is trying to keep my head above water between work, Baby X and exercise.  I'm so exhausted at home that all I want to do is turn my brain off and veg out, not expand my horizons.

I'm not stopping blogging, I actually find it useful and feel like I learn something every time I read.  However, I seem to be in a bit of a slump.  As in, I never did write Part 3 of my Internally Conflicted series and I have no motivation to start it yet.  So, if you don't see me around as much, I guess I'm on a break?

Holy sh*t it's 11:30pm and snowing. Tomorrow's commute is going to suck. Later.