Sad

This has officially become the summer of suck.  I find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn't started therapy.  Much like my acupuncturist during our hard core TTC days, my therapist thought I only needed a few months of "adjustment" therapy.  hahahahahahaha. 

Therapist keeps bringing up the concept of complex grief (which, I've researched, of course).  I don't quite get it, and I don't really see how we fit in it, based on the definitions I've found, but we all know how reliable the interwebs are. 

Yes, it seems that the match would not have worked.  That's the fact.  The emotion?  Can't put it into words.   It's one thing to be told that you weren't chosen when you haven't already gone through a spectacularly failed match. 

S and I both are traumatized and it is going to come out any time that we are matched from here on out.  I've done a lot of grieving and feeling like shit over the past few months.  S has stuffed it all down and won't go there.  It isn't making us a very good team at the moment.

When this latest potential match was presented to us, S immediately researched on Dr. Goo.gle and found the stuff he wanted to read to convince him that this would be difficult right off the bat.  It had nothing to do with the communication agreement, and everything to do with him finding a reason that he didn't want it to work.  That's his trauma coming up.  I pushed further and tried to look at it as a separate situation, but when we weren't chosen, all I feel is rejection, sadness and anger.  Someone keeps dangling a fucking carrot in our faces and then yanking it away.

Suddenly, donor embryos seem like a good idea.  Too bad that S is totally not on board because of the cost (C.C.R.M. is stupid-expensive at about $6k per FET), and the fact that it's not a guarantee to succeed.

For the record, this isn't our first rodeo at renewing our homestudy (oh yeah, and it's like $3k because we have to pay the rest of the birthparent crises fund).  We had to renew when we were waiting for X and were 2 weeks away from our 2nd renewal when we were matched. 

I'm pissed off and sad and traumatized because for 3 short days I had a baby and our long-ass family building journey was over.  Now, I'm getting reminded at every turn (pregnant friends, newborn babies, baby showers, weddings) that we are stuck in a waiting game.  Wait. Wait. Wait.