Number 14


For the first time in our 2 adoption journeys, we've dropped in standings instead of advanced.  That was kind of a crappy e-mail to read.  The issue is that one family who was ahead of us had put their adoption on hold and in the last month reactivated their profile.  No placements in January, and there you have it.  Beginning of January we were #13, and by the end #14.  We're moving backwards instead of forwards.

A slight glimmer of hope is that the caseworker said that there are a some possible situations coming up in the next few months.  Not that the statement of a few months is all that comforting, since in my head it damn well better happen in a few months.  

It's so hard to be waiting like this again.  This is the excruciating part, where I can't wait for it to be over, but I have no idea when that will be.  Couple that with how much I've learned about adoption in the past couple of years of living it, and there's an internal fight going on within me.  It's hard to be excited about a baby when I know the losses on the other side are life-long.

We've considered other options, like foster to adopt, or remaining a family of 3, or even IVF over the past year.  That's a lot of shit to work through, and at the end of the day, the decision is still that we want to be a family of four.  I feel like I have to defend that want knowing what I know now about adoption.  I read blogs of adoptees and first-parents and feel like a monster.  It's hard to separate what a few people on the inter-webs are writing and what our personal journey looks like.  Logically, I know that S and I proceed with caution and ethically, and especially after having a failed match, we'll be more inquisitive about the expectant parents' resources.  Emotionally, I feel greedy, like why isn't one child good enough?  Why not save us some money and potential heartache?  The best answer I have to that is unsatisfactory, I'm sure, but simple.  I have always wanted 2 kids, and after everything I've been through I don't want to compromise.