August ICLW

As usual, I decide to participate in an ICLW when I'm a scattered mess and way too busy!

And, so, I'll keep this short:

Welcome to my blog if you haven't been here before!  Life has been crazy-not-good for over a year now between two failed adoption matches, lots of therapy, and the revelation that my family is severely dysfunctional.  As I attempt to navigate being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, and not repeating the same behavior, I find that we are matched again with a baby boy (third boy), who is due at the end of August.  It's been a helluva roller coaster ride (more like downward spiral some weeks) since we were matched way too early for my fragile psyche.  After an update earlier this week, I'm finally feeling the anticipation of a baby coming home as the update was quite positive from our point of view.  So, now I've shifted from anxiety mixed with dread from my last post, to anxiety of when we will get the phone call that J is in labor.  Meanwhile, I continue pulling away from my mother's manipulations and she is doggedly pushing back as narcissists are wont to do.  Figuring out how to navigate this relationship, yet still let my children have a relationship with their grandparents will be a work in progress for a long time.

Cast of characters:
S - Husband, fellow engineer, freakishly understanding and patient

X - Son through domestic transracial adoption.  We have an open adoption with his mom that has been easy, yet not easy at the same time.  Still trying to figure out what she wants as she won't really say.  X is 3, whip-smart (yes I know all us parents say that), and opinionated, talkative, basically a giant sponge.  It's pretty fun in-between the super frustrating power struggles.

Dog - We have one.  Sadly, I'm horrible at giving her any mentions on my blog.  Poor puppy.

Baby A - failed match from May/June 2013.  We were chosen by his mom, spent 2 days in the hospital with her, took Baby A home after a really difficult last day in the hospital, 3 days later she decided to parent and we had to hand him over to the adoption agency.

Baby N - failed match from March 2014.  We were chosen after he was born and in the NICU.  The agency chose us, his mother agreed to the placement as she was deemed unfit to parent by the county child protective services.  After 5 days visiting Baby N in the NICU we received word that his dad opposed the adoption and was planning on filing for custody.  Bad news for us, and it brought up all kinds of ragey feelings in me given that the caseworkers all thought it was a slam dunk case. They were concerned that we approached it with trepidation and wouldn't allow a formal placement until we knew what was going on with dad.  Turns out we were right to be cautious.  The good news, the guy actually filed for paternity, so at least he carried through.