You Know When You're Sitting At Work

and come up with a really great post, start composing it in your head and then make yourself stop because, you know, work?

Yeah, that.

For the life of me I can't remember what I was thinking about this afternoon, but I can tell you I had the post half-written in my head. I considered writing it down, but had already spent quite enough time f-cking around during my second day.

Maybe it had something to do with all this family shit that's going down. Probably about how I am struggling so hard right now to recognize that it's them, not me who are blowing things up. Struggling to recognize that my mom screwed me up, I didn't get screwed up all by myself. Wondering if I'm the one who will always cause strife between S and his family after this. Wondering if these new friendships will fail like 2 have failed before. Wondering what's wrong with me that I can't just be a nice person that people like and say "Geochick? Yeah, she's really nice and so easy to get along with".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I have to remember, and S constantly reminds me, he married me because I'm ME. Because I'm direct, because I let people know what I'm thinking, when I think it. Because I am just *this short* of not having a filter when I open my mouth. I have to remember that being me got me this far in my career, which is well on my way to commanding respect in an industry full of old white guys. I have to remember that being me is what makes me willing to get up in front of contractors and tell them that one of their construction applications did not go well on one of my projects.

Because, as someone who is direct, forthright, and doesn't hold anything back? If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me, then that's your problem. I have never been anything but truthful, biting my tongue when needed, and speaking up when I feel I need to.

So, there.