Struggle

I wrote a post in August about things being hard. They're worse. I yell at my kids on a daily basis. My kids are showing anxiety around me. I feel like shit about my inability to fucking control my emotions. Another friendship is gone and now I can unequivocally state that I am not friends with anyone I chose for bridesmaids at my wedding. My job is demanding.  I keep gaining weight. I quit teaching Jazzercise because it became too much. I joined a gym where I can work out at 5:15am and getting up that early sucks. S is telling me we have to figure out how to turn this around. I'm already paying a therapist $300/month and well....see my litany above. We start therapy with an adoption therapist soon. More money to therapy. Meanwhile, I  cant fucking keep it together at home. Maybe the only positive thing I've done lately is tell X that when I lose it it's my fault not his and he is allowed to talk back at me and tell me he doesn't like it. (trying to empower instead of scare into submission but still...I'm not supposed to yell!)

Today he told me he was going to tell the judge that I should not be a parent. What judge? The one who said we will be a forever family. Really? Whose going to be your parent? Daddy. 

2 things: 

1) Wow, he has been absorbing adoption talk

2) Fucking hell I have got to get the fuck out of this funk.