It’s been a couple weeks of personal shit, work shit and more personal shit. Both kids are testing me and S to our limits and it’s so disheartening to see crap expressed through a 7-year old that I struggle with on a daily basis. Between X’s shame spirals and his academics spiraling down the toilet, we’re at our wits end. We’re taking steps to help him, but being in the thick of it is brutal. Z is seeking attention by being super whiny, clingy or a total d*ck. Four is definitely my least favorite age.
I ditched the Whole 30 officially after 16 days. I learned that I have a lot of work to do around mindset when it comes to food. I definitely stress eat and drink. So, things to continue working on while I work on my other personal stuff.
I’ve been working 24 hours a week since October and the excitement has worn off. I find myself in burnout again. While I’ve been great about only giving them the 24 hours I said I would work, I haven’t been good about focusing on myself on my day off. That day was supposed to be for me to do the things I want and instead it became the day that I catch up on life stuff or make all my appointments. Oh, and pulling in about 3/4 salary between the two of us is definitely a cramp that we are not adapting to very well. I can’t seem to get the budget in order (I do most of the spending soooo that’s pretty much up to me) and we’re dipping into savings. Ugh. Meanwhile, I limp along trying to do a full-time job at half time while waiting for my position to be filled so that I can transition for real. Things move at a glacial pace in the government, that’s for damn sure. It’s so bad that I’m giving up my day off for now so that I don’t drop all the balls.
Which brings me to the title of my post. I’m getting ready to attend the 3-day PSI training seminar and my initial super-anxiety has calmed down now that I’ve talked to SG and my therapist a few times about what to expect. Now I’m just plain old introverted-skeptic-anxious. Ha. Since my word of the year is “Curiosity”, I’m working on being open minded to all that’s happened to me and to go with the flow instead of resisting. I screwed up the courage to ask a question of something I noticed SG has in his office, (spirituality cards), and he got so damn excited that I asked. At the end of the session, he brought them out, shuffled and then I chose the easiest, closest card to me, half-listened to what he read, then had a horrible yoga Nidra experience the same night.
About that yoga Nidra experience...I have done it before and had looked forward to the meditation especially after I had seen SG for stretch the same afternoon. I figured he had worked out some of the tightness in my back so I should be pretty relaxed. That was not the case. As the meditation began, I felt ok, but then several minutes in, my left side started feeling....jumpy. A line had been drawn down the center of my body from head to toe. My right side felt grounded and relaxed and my left side wanted to get up and run out the door. A few times, my left quad contracted and kicked my leg out. I could barely stand to lay there and focus on the guided meditation. It felt like something to tell SG since I figured he might have something to say about it and I wrote to him after the class, including “oh hey, why do you have those cards anyway?” This is his answer to the divisiveness I felt in my body. Hmm... left side is usually associated with feminine energy or issues dealing with Mom or the "Matriarchy". Maybe consider where you feel unbalanced or are holding energy that doesn't serve you when it comes to that aspect of yourself. Where can you let go? Where can you accept? Well, ain’t that the truth. I’ve felt like a shitty mom the past couple of weeks; I feel like I’m channeling my own mother as I try to control my kids through yelling. I hate it. As I write, I can still feel the left side feeling decidedly different from my right. The other part of the answer that came wasn’t really surprising to me on one level, but what was surprising was how what he wrote included nervousness on his part, like he didn’t fully trust that I would be open-minded enough to accept what he was telling me. The vulnerability in his writing triggered me to sit and cry for a good 15 minutes, all the while wondering what the hell is happening??? He isn’t just exploring the world of the woo-woo, he is fully immersed in it, in a way that I can barely fathom. Apparently, the trust issue is going both ways. In some ways I’m now feeling like a science experiment, yet I did the same thing to him. I made him my vulnerability experiment.
When I think back to how I started on this crazy journey, I can’t help but realize that I had been curious about SG even before I walked into his office for the first time. I chalked it up to him being the stretch guy at the gym and the coaches would give him shout-outs every now and then, but even then it was different. Something drew me to him. (I can’t believe I’m saying this and believing it). He’s my spiritual guide and I’m catapulting into the unknown world of Spirit and spirituality.
Meanwhile, I’m rereading this book ‘cuz we started a conversation that lead to putting my concrete-world foot down with a heavy thud. I’ll start with science, a language I speak and understand.... In Search of Schrödinger’s Cat: Quantum Physics and Reality.