#MicroblogMondays - I Finally Go to the PSI Seminar

 (not a microblog by any stretch of the imagination.)

April 29, 2018 

SG invites me to a informational meeting for this seminar because he just went through it and found it useful (he says super powerful and transformational). I seriously think about firing him and on May 7, 2018 meet him for coffee to discuss said invite. Newsflash, I don’t fire him and that meeting helps me to start understanding how much he cares and how he can support me. He also becomes this annoying mosquito in buzzing in my ear for the next several months until I relent and get myself an informational meeting in December. That doesn’t go well, but I sign up for the 3-day Basic anyway.

Friday February 8, 2019

I show up anxious, scared, but determined. I’m determined to dive in, after all, to even get through the door has taken sheer force of will and fighting my ingrained survival instinct. My therapist is on-board and encouraging. Discussions with SG have been helpful, plus he’s there and I know I have a supporter in the room. S is happily’ish taking care of the kids while I spend 3 10-hr days in a hotel ballroom a few miles from home. I try to sit in a chair waaay in the back and am gently prodded to move up to the students seats as I chose the staff seats. I sit in the back row tense and taking deep breaths trying to slow my racing heart.

The seminar starts and the facilitator is amazing. He’s dynamic and engaging, and I immediately know he is the guy I need to have guiding me through the process. He eases us into the work, starting with classroom style lecture/interaction. Soon though, we move on to some practice in sharing and visualization exercises. At one point, I force myself to get up and share to the 60+ people in the room. I don’t want to, but again, determined. The night closes and I’m like, ok, I can handle this, strong emotions come up, definitely have things to think about. Later that night I have a revelation that is pretty damn profound and educational. I don’t sleep all that great.

Saturday February 9, 2019

Feeling just the teensiest bit more open to the process, I barely make it to my seat on time in the morning. I’m starting to move around a little, not quite the back row. As we begin, it becomes clear we’re going a little deeper now and I’m ready. At one point in the afternoon I make myself share again. This time it’s a bigger realization and I’m kind of having this….whoa moment. At 7:00pm something happens that breaks it all open, shows me the exact thing that has been holding me back from happiness. I start crying in the last hour of the session, graduating from tears streaming down my face to trying to contain full-body-wracking sobs while sitting in a chair surrounded by people. People around me comfort me, giving me hugs as we leave and I don’t look at SG as I walk out the room feeling broken. S takes one look at me when I come home and is worried, I try to talk to him about it without telling him exactly what happened to trigger the realization, and he starts to understand my reaction. I write for a couple hours, sleep 4 hours, get up and write more. In the morning, I ice my eyes trying to get the swelling down so I don’t look so horrible walking into the class. I’m marginally successful.

Sunday February 10, 2019

S suggests we have a family outing to my favorite breakfast place in the morning, which is exactly what I need before facing the class again. I make sure to get there early, staying silent until the doors are open and it’s time to sit down. I get an encouraging hug from SG, then sit in the front row, next to a woman I’ve just met, supporting each other. I encourage her to share with the group as she’s telling me she wants to but she’s really scared. She tells me to go first. I have to sit down and face everyone for this, but the only person making me do it is me. I start by talking about what I realized the night before and how much it hurt. The facilitator stops me from rambling at one point and starts guiding me through questions. I’m shaking, I’m crying, my voice is breaking. I get to the end and he says “What are you going to do about it?” “Change it” I get applauded and sit down. Several people share including my new friend and it’s interesting how different everyone’s experience has been. After that, I feel lighter, and open. People start randomly telling me how awesome my share was, how amazing I am, how brave and courageous and how much they identify with what I said. One woman told me she thought I was the most beautiful woman there (!?!). The rest of the day becomes easier with exercises that are pretty fun and kind of mind-blowing. SG and I get an opportunity to share with each other through one of the exercises and it’s such a connected experience that I feel all the last vestiges of anxiety and fear of our relationship fall away. By the time we close, I can hardly walk 5 steps without someone stopping me to tell me how much I’ve impacted them during the class, how different I look and what a major change has taken place from Friday morning to Sunday night. I finally go up to the facilitator to thank him and he CRIES. He tells me I’m magnetic, that he was drawn to me Friday morning as I sat there stonily resistant and what a huge transformation I’ve had to Sunday. He tells me I’m ready to go, to grab on and become the leader I want to be. He tells me people like me are the reason he does this work. The manager of the Denver area and someone who has brought this organization to several different cities tells me that my share was amazing and he says to me, “This lady is ready to MOVE.” These two guys see EVERYONE go through this training. I’m flummoxed, awed and reeling: All I did was...what?...kept getting up and sharing how learning about these concepts was forcing me to look at different things in my life; I allowed myself to completely break down among strangers and I then sat in front of them talking about why I broke down and how what I realized has affected me, my family, all my relationships. SG is ecstatic, “You did it!!” When I get home that night, I drop my bag to the floor. Look at S and beg, “Please come on this journey with me.” He stares, “Whoa, what happened?”

The realizations

  1. I’m modeled after my step/adoptive father. My mother tried to make me into how she sees him, a brilliant scientist. I tried to become him, but couldn’t live up to the expectation, and didn’t want to be him.
  2. I saw myself as my mother in a crucial part of the weekend and realized that the very person I’ve never wanted to be, I’ve become in a significant way.
  3. My dreams died the moment I stepped onto the Colorado School of Mines campus at age 18. I didn’t want to be an engineer, but it was expected of me. College is where I learned to put the blinders on, choose a path and barrel down it without stopping to think about consequences or who’s affected.
  4. In being walled off from people and developing the survival instinct to push people away, I’ve been warring with myself.
  5. The big one.... I am passionate about protecting people.

It took the fight of my life to walk into that hotel ballroom. In order for all these things to happen in 3 days, I needed to be already working on breaking down beliefs that weren’t serving me. I needed the buzzy mosquito of SG not letting me blow it off entirely, and I needed it validated by my therapist. Lastly, I needed it validated by my place of work. Because I have this one-little-thing-called-communication holding me back in my job, I asked if they would pay for the training as part of me working on a performance element. Without hesitation, my boss said yes. I asked again at the end of this training, whether they’d pay for me to travel to do the 7-day seminar in the fall. Again, no pushback, just a curiosity of what was it in the 3-day that made me so enthusiastic? (the woman who is hardly enthusiastic at work) So, they’re paying for me to travel and immerse myself into the actual change of the beliefs holding me back. Now that I’m aware of them, it’s time to break them all down and build new ones centered around worthiness and how I want to show up as a person, wife, friend, mother, colleague and leader.


And I thought it was a cult. 🤣 

Don’t know what #microblogmondays is? Check it out  here  .

Don’t know what #microblogmondays is? Check it out here .


It’s been a couple weeks of personal shit, work shit and more personal shit. Both kids are testing me and S to our limits and it’s so disheartening to see crap expressed through a 7-year old that I struggle with on a daily basis. Between X’s shame spirals and his academics spiraling down the toilet, we’re at our wits end. We’re taking steps to help him, but being in the thick of it is brutal.  Z is seeking attention by being super whiny, clingy or a total d*ck. Four is definitely my least favorite age.

I ditched the Whole 30 officially after 16 days. I learned that I have a lot of work to do around mindset when it comes to food. I definitely stress eat and drink. So, things to continue working on while I work on my other personal stuff. 

I’ve been working 24 hours a week since October and the excitement has worn off. I find myself in burnout again. While I’ve been great about only giving them the 24 hours I said I would work, I haven’t been good about focusing on myself on my day off. That day was supposed to be for me to do the things I want and instead it became the day that I catch up on life stuff or make all my appointments. Oh, and pulling in about 3/4 salary between the two of us is definitely a cramp that we are not adapting to very well. I can’t seem to get the budget in order (I do most of the spending soooo that’s pretty much up to me) and we’re dipping into savings. Ugh. Meanwhile, I limp along trying to do a full-time job at half time while waiting for my position to be filled so that I can transition for real. Things move at a glacial pace in the government, that’s for damn sure.  It’s so bad that I’m giving up my day off for now so that I don’t drop all the balls.

Which brings me to the title of my post. I’m getting ready to attend the 3-day PSI training seminar and my initial super-anxiety has calmed down now that I’ve talked to SG and my therapist a few times about what to expect. Now I’m just plain old introverted-skeptic-anxious. Ha. Since my word of the year is “Curiosity”, I’m working on being open minded to all that’s happened to me and to go with the flow instead of resisting. I screwed up the courage to ask a question of something I noticed SG has in his office, (spirituality cards), and he got so damn excited that I asked. At the end of the session, he brought them out, shuffled and then I chose the easiest, closest card to me, half-listened to what he read, then had a horrible yoga Nidra experience the same night. 

About that yoga Nidra experience...I have done it before and had looked forward to the meditation especially after I had seen SG for stretch the same afternoon. I figured he had worked out some of the tightness in my back so I should be pretty relaxed. That was not the case. As the meditation began, I felt ok, but then several minutes in, my left side started feeling....jumpy. A line had been drawn down the center of my body from head to toe. My right side felt grounded and relaxed and my left side wanted to get up and run out the door. A few times, my left quad contracted and kicked my leg out. I could barely stand to lay there and focus on the guided meditation. It felt like something to tell SG since I figured he might have something to say about it and I wrote to him after the class, including “oh hey, why do you have those cards anyway?” This is his answer to the divisiveness I felt in my body. Hmm... left side is usually associated with feminine energy or issues dealing with Mom or the "Matriarchy".  Maybe consider where you feel unbalanced or are holding energy that doesn't serve you when it comes to that aspect of yourself.  Where can you let go?  Where can you accept? Well, ain’t that the truth. I’ve felt like a shitty mom the past couple of weeks; I feel like I’m channeling my own mother as I try to control my kids through yelling. I hate it. As I write, I can still feel the left side feeling decidedly different from my right. The other part of the answer that came wasn’t really surprising to me on one level, but what was surprising was how what he wrote included nervousness on his part, like he didn’t fully trust that I would be open-minded enough to accept what he was telling me. The vulnerability in his writing triggered me to sit and cry for a good 15 minutes, all the while wondering what the hell is happening??? He isn’t just exploring the world of the woo-woo, he is fully immersed in it, in a way that I can barely fathom. Apparently, the trust issue is going both ways. In some ways I’m now feeling like a science experiment, yet I did the same thing to him. I made him my vulnerability experiment.

When I think back to how I started on this crazy journey, I can’t help but realize that I had been curious about SG even before I walked into his office for the first time. I chalked it up to him being the stretch guy at the gym and the coaches would give him shout-outs every now and then, but even then it was different. Something drew me to him. (I can’t believe I’m saying this and believing it). He’s my spiritual guide and I’m catapulting into the unknown world of Spirit and spirituality. 

Meanwhile, I’m rereading this book ‘cuz we started a conversation that lead to putting my concrete-world foot down with a heavy thud. I’ll start with science, a language I speak and understand.... In Search of Schrödinger’s Cat: Quantum Physics and Reality.



Bell Let’s Talk Day

You’ve all been privy to my innermost thoughts and feelings, but my world at large has not. 

Today I posted this on Instagram and Facebook.


It’s kind of a big step for me. I’ve talked about it sometimes in that kind of forum, but this was different somehow. This felt very raw compared to what I’ve posted before.  S commented on it when he saw it “You’re really sharing a lot”. I got a little defensive and asked him how he felt about it. He said “I like it. It’s positive, you’re figuring out yourself and all I want you to be is happy.”

That says it all. 



#MicroblogMondays - Whole30 Week 2

Non Scale Victories (NSV)

  • I didn’t drink alcohol for 12 days

  • I did a tough snowshoe hike and stuck to the plan

  • I ordered off restaurant menus and customized to fit the plan

  • I find it pretty easy to do the food even when on the go

  • Overall feeling pretty good through the day

  • No blood sugar crashes (I didn’t get them often anyway, my diet was pretty ok…)

The things that are bugging me and making want to bail

  • My sleep sucks. I’m sleeping more and not feeling rested when I wake up. I’m remembering dreams and they aren’t fun.

  • My energy has kind of returned but I don’t feel great

  • I get really tired early at night

  • I don’t feel like doing hard workouts or lifting weights

  • The diet is stressful

  • I tracked my calories for the 16 days I’ve been on the diet. It turns out to be a high fat, pretty high protein, low carbohydrate diet. I feel like I’m doing it wrong

  • I’m feeling anger and expressing anger in all the wrong ways. I lost my mind more than once and last night broke down completely, screaming at the top of my lungs, the kind of primordial scream that comes from deep within. No reason, no major triggers, just everyday stressors of kids and work. THAT SUCKED.

  • I’m traveling this week and today had a headache since I woke up.

I don’t know how I'm going to hold on for another 2 weeks. I’ve fallen off the “don’t drink alcohol wagon” and while I tried my best to follow the diet at the restaurant tonight, the “mixed lettuce” salad was really iceberg served with a creamy (dairy) house dressing. I used very little dressing, but still, it’s dairy. The entrée was compliant. I drank 2 glasses of wine. I ate two croquettes, fried balls of goodness (non-compliant). I kind of don’t care.

I wish I could do diets like these more easily! When it comes to meeting my own expectations, it’s a mighty struggle.

Don’t know what #microblogmondays is? Check it out  here

Don’t know what #microblogmondays is? Check it out here

Telling My Survival Instinct to F*ck Off

So, I went through this shitty thing when after a stretch appointment, I had to spew words at SG, much like I do here. I take it in, process and then get it out through writing.

The e-mail was written, and it was really difficult because in between all the prattle was one paragraph about my attachment issues, how he’s in the bullseye and how I’m struggling to soften my boundaries but feel really off-balance because I don’t know where his are. 

He didn’t write back. I freaked out and had to work through some of that in therapy.

Now, because he’s always been consistently supportive, I reached out via text asking if we could get together. I really needed to work through this anxiety crap and try to make a leap forward. Per usual, he was happy to fit me into his schedule and we met for coffee. I felt the familiar churning in the pit of my stomach as the time got closer, and realized that it has been my constant companion preceding every meeting, every stretch session. Me, reacting with fear to growing close to someone despite all the indicators that this relationship is something to celebrate, not fear.

Turns out I can’t will it away, but I can start putting words to things that I’ve been holding back. So I did. I talked about the transference/countertransference rabbit hole I fell down early in my stretch sessions. I was able to be direct (although couldn’t make eye contact to save my life) about how I figured out early on I was projecting onto him. And I pointed out that I had suspected that he was projecting onto me. While I don’t know the exact timing of him almost firing me as a client, I’m willing to bet it was somewhere in the maelstrom where both of us were projecting and frustrated by each other. And, I was able to say (without eye contact because GEEZ) that I knew it was attachment/daddy issues. (A long time ago, I think I said something similar referring to what was coming up in stretch, and I think  that’s where it started, but then I started to grow closer to him and the fear of attachment really took hold) And, AND, I was able to to talk about how every time I saw him at the gym I wanted to run out the door. (OMG I now realize I was having anxiety attacks because I couldn’t handle him being out of context)  That one he laughed, “yep, I noticed that...” 

He didn’t respond a ton to what I said, and I was hoping for more than I got. Writing this now, I’m realizing that I didn’t need a response, I needed him to be there, holding space, letting me be raw and vulnerable. I didn’t need a fix, I didn’t need his opinion on my experience, I just needed a steady presence. 

It was all put to the test the next time I had a stretch session. The absence of the churning in the pit of my stomach was noticeable. I was relaxed throughout. We had a good conversation, and it was like I have wanted it to be for what feels like a long time. We’re friends. We support each other in our healing journeys. It’s a good thing. 

#MicroblogMondays - Whole30 Week 1 aka Suckville

As I sit at my dining room table writing this, S and I are barely speaking to each other. Why? Well, because, as it turns out, the first week of an elimination diet turns Geochick into a low-energy emotional wreck.  

I hear that it’s going to turn around, but as of day 9, I’m full on into what feels like permanent PMS. (I actually am in PMS at the moment, so it’s probably a shit-tastic combo) . My kids have triggered me umpteen times over the past few days and today I lost it when X wouldn’t do his damn OT exercise that takes a whole fucking MINUTE and may actually help out many of his issues. I yelled at X that we were paying too much damn money trying to help him get better and pointed out all the things that are “wrong” with him. Yeah. Awesome parenting a 7-year old anxious child there, dumbass. Oh, it was horrifying. There’s been other temper tantrums on my part too. Fucking hairtrigger is where I’ve been the last few days.

Day 1 was a bit of a struggle because I didn’t go shopping beforehand so for the first part of the day I tried to cobble together whatever I had that fit the diet. In case you haven’t heard of the Whole30 here’s the rules in a nutshell: No dairy, soy, grains or pseudograins (quinoa), beans, peanuts, alcohol or added sugar of any kind. Eat only whole foods. Do that for 30 days. Try not to get sick of eggs and meat in the process.  So, day 1, I went shopping in the afternoon and did some meal prep for the rest of the week.

Days 2-4 were ok’ish. I got all my meals prepped, figured out snacks and did a decent job getting into an eating groove. One of the things about Whole30 is to try not to snack and to make sure you’re actually getting hungry in between meals. I know that I have to break up my first meal of the day around a workout when I do something intense like cycling classes, but for the most part I’m pretty good at feeling hunger in between meals. The big problems started to surface on day 4 with cravings and low energy. I didn’t plan my food well and ended up exhausted by swim lessons, trying to wrangle both kids then get them fed afterwards. 

Days 5-7 the shit really hit the fan. I didn’t feel satisfied even when I ate enough calories, and I was craving ALL THE FOOD. I’ve never wanted cheese so bad...or crackers. My energy was super low and I found myself relying on coffee. By day 7 the cravings were starting to subside and I managed to get through Friday and Saturday without drinking alcohol despite the fact that S opened a bottle of wine. (Yeah...sooooo supportive that one)

Day 8, I went on a way too long snowshoe. It was a training hike for a hut trip and it was supposed to be a bit less than 5 miles. Well, we got to a point where we were going to be adding at least a mile and a half to the hike, or continue back down the trail for the 5’ish we originally planned. I was exhausted (still low energy), and I had a hot spot on my heel. But did I listen to my body and tell them I was going back to the cars to wait for them because I didn’t have another mile and half in me? Naw, why the fuck would I listen to my body? When I realized I had made a mistake, they had already left me in the dust, ice was building up on my snowshoes, and I was ready to throw all my gear down the mountain. I finished the hike (7.2 miles or so) utterly exhausted, angry with myself and with a quarter sized blister as a trophy. 

Today I’m completely exhausted mentally and physically and my back is strained. The blister hurts so bad I can barely wear the one pair of boots loose enough to get on my foot without crumpling to the ground in pain. This, in addition to the meltdown I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

This detox period better end soon. 

Whole30 - Let's Do This

I’m finally jumping on the Whole30 bandwagon after so many years of thinking it would be too difficult given my lifestyle and high activity levels. A few things have made me change my mind however, and I’m starting on this day 1 with a more healthy mindset than I would have a few years ago.

  • This is an elimination diet, not a lifestyle. I’m doing it to see if I have sensitivities that I’m not aware of because they’re subtle. For example, my skin is itchy more often than not…is that Colorado dryness or something else?

  • I need to push reset on alcohol. My consumption is moderate-heavy (about 10/week) and every time I’ve tried to reduce, I’ve failed after a couple weeks. I know I use alcohol to cope with stress and while I’m not an alcoholic, it’s time to find healthier ways to cope.

  • I want to be aware of my emotional eating triggers. Like alcohol, I know there’s certain stressors that tend to derail my best laid plans.

  • I want to learn how to eat more whole foods for breakfast and lunch. I do really well at dinner, mostly cooking in a paleo-style but completely fall flat the rest of the day.

  • And, of course, there’s the weight thing. I’m tied for my all time high weight at the moment and would like to get rid of some of that. The re-entry is where it’s going to be difficult so I’m going to look into nutrition coaching at Bite Nutrition to help post Whole30. I love the free resources they have and have learned a lot, but I think I’ll need some one-on-one.

  • I’m finally in a space with therapy where I’ve felt a big shift from digging up all my trauma and processing it to working on finding me. Sounds pretty "OMG I’m so needing to find myself” (said in a valley-girl accent), but yeah, it’s true. I now have the mental energy to focus on planning/prepping food.

I intend to update weekly here and have an accountability post going over on the Bite Nutrition FB group if you a) wanna see what my real name is and b) are interested in checking them out!

Here we go!

So far on day 1, I noticed after reading some other accounts that eating enough food can be tough so I’ll be using MFP to track calories making sure I’m hitting 1800 a day on average. The plan for me is to have 3 500-cal meals with a 300-cal snack (or split up around intense workouts).

p.s. I accidentally hit Publish on my last post and noticed that once I finished editing that the previous version is showing up in Feedly. So, if you use a reader for my posts, pretty please click through that one, cuz you didn’t get it all!

Spiritual Awakening and a Word for 2019

Let’s just call this what it is, shall we?

I, Geochick, both feet firmly on the ground, thinking, analytical, judgement oriented “doer” in life is going through a spiritual awakening, a transformation challenging everything I’ve ever been taught and internalized.

You guys, I voluntarily listened to over 4 hours of a woman who purportedly channels a group of non-physical beings spout off about the laws of the Universe. Granted, I spent quite a few of those 4 hours trying to figure out if she was faking her curiously Eastern European-esque accent and completely bonkers grammar, but I listened to the whole thing.

I’m going to my second Gong Bath and taking S with me. Last week, SG gave me a smudging when I showed up for stretch in a mood and I felt lightheaded and more relaxed after the clearing.

What has happened to Geochick? Are we in bizarro-world?

My head was spinning after walking out of a therapy appointment where once again, I was focused on SG and my anxiety surrounding my relationship with him. He’s been a focus for about a month and she was curious why. I have been more anxious again when it comes to him, because I’m growing closer to him and that is super scary. Even SG has asked me how I was able to let S in, and similar to my response to Therapist #1 when she asked me the same question all those years ago, I don’t know. Therapist #3 has some thoughts, like S and I are cut from the same cloth and with my avoidant attachment style, it didn’t really feel that scary to open up. It was difficult, but I wanted to be with him, so I pushed through. It took a long time before the two of us were having really deep feeling conversations given our similarities. We had them and we still do, but it was more of a natural progression of our relationship. With SG, it’s completely opposite, and I’ve felt like he’s often dragging me along while I throw tantrums like a toddler (or our Prez). After some talk with Therapist #3 she pointed out that in getting close to SG, I’m freaking out because I’m fighting my survival instinct. Attachment is survival, and for me that means keeping everyone away because it’s not safe. The fact that I’m fighting against it by letting SG literally provide a shoulder to cry on is apparently positive. She says I’m rewiring my brain (as much as you can rewire it at 44) so that I can be more open with people in general, and she gives me encouragement to continue opening up to him. Part of that opening up came with a suggestion to talk to him about boundaries. I don’t really know where mine are because I’m trying to break down the armor, and I don’t know where his are because it feels like he’s waiting for me to draw the line somewhere. I tried to talk about it a little at my last appointment with SG, but man, that’s an impossible task. I got as far as making some noise about attachment issues and such without coming out and saying it. I had to put it in an e-mail later and I ripped the bandaid off with “when it comes to some of my attachment issues, you’re in the bullseye.” I didn’t hear back from him for several days, which then threw me into more anxiety. Five days into the anxiety, Therapist #3 walked me through a “what is the story you’re telling yourself and what are the other stories that could actually be happening?”  exercise, which calmed me down. The story I always tell myself is “welp, scared him away this time” when reality has showed the opposite again and again.

Which brings me back to spiritual awakening. Early on in my renewed interest in yoga, during a shavasana, I had a vision. I don’t use that word lightly, because I never experienced anything as profound as this. The vision was orange light, like a setting sun, I was standing facing the light with S on one side and SG on the other, holding their hands. I felt warm, calm, loved and supported. I was kind of shocked when the teacher brought us out of it and had a pretty good cry fest along with “what was that????” on the way home. Since then, there hasn’t been as an intense experience, but that vision is what I think I’ve been holding onto to help me combat my instinct to run.

Another revelation, SG suggested I listen to the Law of Attraction after he had listened to it for the first time. I mentioned it laughingly to Therapist #3 and she revealed how long she’s been following Esther Hicks, telling me it’s not something she brings up often given the woo-woo nature of the whole thing. She also laughed that I’m the last person she would have thought to present the concept to. My 2 favorite yoga teachers are most definitely into the woo-woo spirituality world, and I crave their classes. My network chiropractor has mentioned the energy connection to me more than once so guess which side of the spectrum he’s on. I have surrounded myself with 5 people who all embody a spirituality that I’ve been taught is “wrong”. And way back when… Therapist #1 once told me that she absolutely believes everything happens for a reason and I remember sitting in her office thinking, “really? seems all coincidental to me”

As I explore more of what it means to be me, I chose a word to carry through 2019:



#Microblog Mondays - Reflections on a Year

This definitely feels like a year to reflect on given all that I’ve been going through emotionally. Here’s the rundown:

  • Jan 1, 2018 I started the New Year with a wicked case of Strep Throat. blah.

  • In February, I jacked my neck and back worse than it’s ever been before. I couldn’t turn my head, could barely drive and had to travel for work. It took several physical therapy sessions, chiropractic and stretch to get it back to semi-normal.

  • After said neck jacking, Stretch Guy (heretofore to be known as SG), took the opportunity to push me harder to see this network chiropractor guy he knew. I’ll never forget SG asking me “Do you trust me?” I stared. “A little? 20%?”. I relented.

  • In March, I started network chiropractic 3x a week combining it with therapy once a week. After a month I added stretch back into the mix. Whoa. Where’s the time to work? We also took a big family vacation to France, the first of what I hope to be many adventures. It was fun, difficult, and exciting. I fell into depression partly because I was trying to reduce my celexa. Bad idea. I went back up to a full dose. In the starting stages of EMDR, I had to deal with a 360 degree review at work in which I was roundly attacked by a few people. They presented to me an image that I hated.

  • In April, SG offered the beginning of several things that pushed and pulled at me in different ways. An invitation to check out PSI was extended because he had completed a 3 day training, and was really excited about it. I freaked the fuck out, had the almost-firing talk with him and learned that he truly was offering this because it helped him and he wanted to help me. It led to me questioning why I was so resistant to letting him help me.

  • May was a blur of work, travel and struggling through all the therapies. EMDR was intense.

  • June found me traveling to Boston to meet my biological uncles. It was a strange trip for me and I was happy to have my brother with me to be the curious one. I mostly shut down my emotions just trying to get through it.

  • In July, struggling to make sense of the trauma coming up in EMDR and the emotions surrounding my visit to Boston, I shattered. For the first time, I reached out to SG for support outside his office and he was right there offering an ear. I couldn’t deal with my parents and a decision was made to put them on hold until September. I didn’t communicate that to them, instead just tried to fend off my mom’s inquiries.

  • In August, I finished EMDR and got shingles three days before my 100 mile bike ride I had been training for the whole season. I tried and succeeded in completing 73 of the 100 while the rest of my group finished the whole thing. I also had a fun and supportive email exchange with SG while I was hanging out waiting for S and the kids to show up at the finish line festival. One of many tiny steps toward accepting his help and support. I also had another work breakdown where after all the work I had been doing, I felt blindsided by negative feedback from a team member and my superior. After much introspection, I changed my outlook and requested to work part-time. It was the first time in my 20-year career that I made a decision for me instead of working towards pleasing a boss, or achieving a promotion.

  • September was Baby A’s birthday and we invited my parents. My dad ignored me and S and my mom acted weird. I felt emotionally strong enough to have a conversation with my mom that revealed some things and also showed me that right now, it isn’t enough.

  • In October I cut off communication with my parents. I also felt a shift to starting a transformation. I reached out to SG asking for more support and that was really hard to do, yet I knew I needed to lean on him. He happily responded and it signaled another shift in our relationship. I started working part time, and it wasn’t the super relaxing schedule I hoped it would be.

  • In November, I found the source of anxiety surrounding SG. More growth, more vulnerability, and more sharing. He shared that he himself got to a point where he almost fired me as a client. Growth on both sides! We both pushed through our respective crap to be able to support each other. I attended Soul Speaks.

  • In December, I finally caved and attended a PSI informational meeting with my therapist’s blessing. I had an anxiety attack, SG was supportive through it, and I realized I need to be doing shit that scares me the most. So I signed up for the 3 day training in February. We had our Christmas the way we wanted it and it was fun and relaxing.

Wow. What a year!

My Husband, the Unicorn

I don’t write about S a lot on here, and that’s mostly because it’s a whole lot easier to dive into my insecurities, anxiety, and depression. Writing is a way to process everything that’s been happening to me, and I don’t have anxiety or insecurity when it comes to S. That doesn’t mean I’m shut down with him as I work through all this stuff, it’s more that he’s the rock that supports me. It would have been so easy for him to be jealous of Stretch Guy, but he hasn’t let it get to him.  I’ve shared what Stretch Guy and I talk about and in the context of similar experiences, S completely understands why I need someone like this in my life. S is support and understanding, but we are so alike that he doesn’t know what to say or do, and he reacts similarly as me towards feelings and intuition. We’re both introverted thinkers and sensors, not particularly in touch with feelings and intuition. Two of the reasons why we work so well together is because of our similar personality types, and S is exceedingly patient. He was patient when we started dating and I freaked out 5 dates in then dumped him. He was patient as I fought through my jealousy towards two other women he has platonic friendships with, and he really didn’t need to be (there were a few fights stemming from my insecurity). He was patient as I worked through having vulvodynia in the early years of our marriage (that kills your sex life btw) and then the infertility bullsh*t that followed.  He is patient through all the problems that have come up with my family, letting me rant and rave as I began to be less and less willing to please my mother. And, to top it off, he is patient and supportive as I have done 3 therapeutic modalities together (therapy, network chiropractic and FST) spending a lot of time and money on myself.

Because I find it much easier to spew all the strong emotions, it’s almost as if I have writer’s block when it comes to S. I mean, how many ways can I say that he’s one of the strongest and secure men I’ve ever met? He’s constantly giving me the space I need to work through all of this crap, and sometimes that’s meant I need to crash in bed in the middle of day from mental exhaustion and depression while he tries to wrangle the very active boys we have.  On top of that, we have a pretty equitable husband/wife relationship and for that, I’m grateful. I carry a lot of  the cruise ship director work of the household (schedules and registering kids for school and activities, planning vacations, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, house shopping….), so it’s not even, but I can leave the house on a Monday, fly to some other city and not have to worry what he’s going to feed them for dinner. I can plan a night or day out riding with friends and not feel guilty that I’m sticking him with the kids. (one issue I have is that he doesn’t have too many friends, so I keep trying to push him to reach out a bit more). He does all the laundry, will do dishes without thinking about it, and cooks when I’m not around. Some of our roles are pretty gender specific too, he takes care of the little handyman stuff ‘cuz I don’t want to do it, plus the outside like mowing the grass ‘cuz again…I don’t want to do it. When we got married, I handed him the checkbook and said, “here, you do it”. I have Mint, so I’m tracking budgets, but I don’t have to do the bill-paying. We take turns putting the kids to bed so that the other person can you know…do the damn dishes! ha.

I consider myself lucky to have found such a loving and supportive partner in life.