I Met Them

I just want to mark here that I did in fact, meet my Uncle J, Aunt L and Uncle B. I met Uncle J and Aunt L's son and his family. It was a strange weekend of seriously hopped up anxiety, but they are all lovely people, and it was nice to connect.

Both my brother and I flew into Boston and then stayed at the same hotel near their house. It was nice to connect with him after the huge fight we had the last time I stayed at his house. I think that the work I've been doing since then has allowed me to really start being vulnerable in general and I was able to talk to him about my experiences with Stretch Guy, my mom, and all the other stuff I'm currently doing without inciting another fight. This time, I was able to come at it from the perspective, of "this is how I feel when this happens" vs. "She does this, this and this and I can't stand it". So yeah, I have made progress. I talked about how going to our half-brother's graduation triggered me in a huge way and sent me seriously spiraling out of control, and I think for the first time, he understood. 

I haven't wanted/felt the desire to write about the experience because I'm still processing. It was a quick 4 day trip, 2 of which are travel, and I shut down after I got back. I was lethargic, didn't feel like getting back into my usual routine of morning gym-time and only managed one yoga class and one short bike ride in the week following. Instead of forcing myself to get back into the routine, I rode the wave, and focused a little bit more on my infant-stage meditation practice (I randomly think, hey I should try to meditate and then I do it for 10 minutes then forget about it for the next few days to weeks....). The other reason why I didn't feel like writing is because I'm so deep into emotional work, that all I want to do is throw up on the page about those experiences to help me work through them.

So, I met them. They are nice. I'll plan on sending Christmas cards. I don't know where to go from here...

I now have an understanding of what it's like to meet family of origin 40 years later. I wanted to, I was curious, but what does the relationship look like from here?  I have no idea.

Update on the Other Half of My Bio-Family

It's been....interesting trying to process this intrusion of sorts on my psyche. To bring you up to speed and understanding, here's the cast of players:

Bio-Dad - died in 2005 from alcoholism. He was about 58 years old if I did the math right. No other kids. One other ex-wife.

Uncle T - died in 2005 8 months after bio-Dad from alcoholism. No kids?

Uncle B - He's the one who called me back in the spring of 2017 at work and exploded my world. No kids, not married.

Uncle J - His wife Aunt L is the one who searched for me and my brother and she found our info. They have one son who has 2 kids about the same ages as mine.  

I finally screwed up the courage to call Aunt L, because Uncle B gave me her cell phone number. She was over the moon excited to hear me and we had a pretty good conversation. Pretty good for me learning that my Uncle J is now battling a life threatening heart disease for which there's no treatment and it's only a matter of time. He's somewhere between 65-70 years old? I also learned that there's more extended family members on that side who have died from alcoholism. 

Do you know what this does? I literally was found, and now am actively losing family. If I don't get out to visit Aunt L and Uncle J, I'll probably never get a real account of the family. Out of the brothers, Uncle J is the one who managed to have a career and a family and not succumb to the disease that apparently rampages through that bloodline. I'm not ready. I was barely ready to call her, and now I feel like the clock is ticking and if Uncle J dies before I travel, I'll regret not meeting him. While I'll probably keep in some kind of contact with Aunt L, it won't be the same. He's my chance to get a first hand account of what it was like growing up in that family and what he did to avoid going down the same path as his brothers.

I can't process. I keep pushing it away.