#MicroblogMondays - Challenge

I'm not into resolutions, but challenges and goals tend to motivate me. For example, the goal to complete a 100-mile bike ride. That got me on my bike on days when I was tired or sore or just not feeling it. Generally, my goals will be activity related to keep me working out and in shape.

I didn't set goals for this year, and I may or may not do any big bike rides, choosing to wait until I have a chance to get on my bike in the spring. 

Challenges on the other hand...I need to challenge myself to do all kinds of things, and have started with the low-hanging fruit:

Only drink 2 days a week

Writing that down feels like I'm admitting I have a problem. I don't have a problem, other than spending a stupid amount of money at our friendly neighborhood liquor store, and my expanding waistline. 

#MicroblogMondays - Realities of "In Training"

This year, I decided that kicking my ass on a bicycle in the mountains was a really great idea. So far, I've been feeling really stressed out over my work schedule, trying to stay (and failing) on top of planning my Jaz.zercise classes, and I'm irritated that we have no money to pay for a professional landscaper.  Because I've decided that endurance cycling is one of my things, we can't get to the landscaping and our front yard is downright embarrassing. Lest you wonder why S doesn't do it while I'm off riding, or why I don't do it when he's off riding on Sundays, or why we don't do it in the afternoons:  getting anything accomplished while being the only parent around has proved difficult for both of us. Sure, we'll stick them in front of the tv for an hour, but in that hour, it's usually a feeble attempt to pick up, do dishes and laundry (or in my case, put together a Jaz.zercise set). There's social engagements, or shopping for gifts, or just plain trying to shop, because despite my attempt to get everything online, I still have to find time to go to a brick and mortar store at least every other week. Shit does not get done on weekends.

Saturday morning, at 6:45am, I dragged myself up to the foothills to try to ride a mountain pass. I made it about 11 miles, up to 10,000 feet.

It was amazing.

The landscaping will wait.




#MicroblogMondays - Making the Best of a Long Trip

Last week, I was on two trips. The first was to visit my brother and his family over the weekend, followed by site visits to 3 dams and a couple of face to face meetings. Visiting with my brother was great, I met my niece, newest addition to the family, played with my older niece, and lazed around his house for a couple of days (part of the laziness was due to a bad allergy attack that 2 types of meds couldn't tamp down).

I drove at least 200 miles in between flights to accomplish all this; screwed up the rental car reservation; forgot to use my personal credit card on one of the rental car fill-ups; had a 5am flight on Friday morning (ouch!); and now face what will feel like a mountain of paperwork and judgement to straighten it all out. Good times.

But, while I was out there, I was able to visit some nice areas and take a little time to wander around.



#MicroblogMondays - Estrangement



If you've been following my blog for a while, you know I've had some really upsetting revelations and interactions with my family over the past few years. I learned that the way I was raised and treated by my parents is not the way most people raise and treat their children. Especially when their children become adults. It's been earth shattering and extremely difficult to deal with. I've been trying different things, like setting boundaries, being assertive, and asking for what I need from (especially) my mom. My dad is largely silent and barely talking to me at this point.

Well, when the same exact thing happened that has happened time and time again, and when I expressed to my mother that I was hurt by her actions and felt like she wasn't being cognitive of my hurt and what I've been through, it was finally over.  It turned into the same fight, me trying to impress upon her what I need, and her dismissing my needs one by one.

I haven't talked to her since.

#MicroblogMondays - Waking Up White

I joined a book club specifically reading the book Waking Up White by Debby Irving. It's not an ideal time to be reading and digesting super heavy topics when I'm barely keeping up (more like two steps behind) my life in general. But these things hardly ever pop up when I'm in a restful and reflective state. So, I plow on, because if I don't do it now, it'll never be read.


#MicroblogMondays - Pretty Lights

Our financial planner had a holiday party at the botanic gardens. All four of us went, which in retrospect was not the best idea. Well, it could have been a good idea if I had made X a sandwich instead of assuming that he'd be happy with the appetizer choices. Alas, Mr. Picky was very much NOT into pesto chicken skewers or brie in puff pastry. Sugar cookies however, bring it. In contrast Baby Z ate everything including eggplant dip. Go figure.

#MicroblogMondays - Interview Time

I've been working in this organization for 9 years. In that 9 years, I've interviewed 3 times for a promotion. Every time we want a promotion, we have to compete. Every time we want a different job, we have to compete.

Today, I'm competing for a whole new job. One that will use my technical skills to make non-technical decisions. It's also one that will expand my horizons into project management, decision making, and expose me to the politics of water in the West.

It's not a promotion, and like Therapist said, I have nothing to lose. If I don't get this job, I go back to doing what I'm doing, and I get to carry forward my engineering projects to closure. I'm not in a dead-end job by any means, I just want to do something different.

I feel like I have everything to lose. Do you feel this way when you try to make a change in your life?

#MicroblogMondays: What NABLOPOMO has Taught Me

There are 8 days left in NABLOPOMO, and I'm struggling. I used to feel so free on my blog, to rant, complain, spill it all, but things have changed as they do. So, while there's things I could write about, I find myself wondering if I should write about them. My blog is becoming less and less anonymous as I make connections with other bloggers IRL. I worry about family discovering it, and that could be major. I worry about other friends discovering it, who haven't been given the proper disclaimer about how I treat blogging, and that could be major.

I know, I'm not supposed to put things on the interwebs that I wouldn't talk about out loud to someone's face, yet I have. It used to feel so cozy wrapped in a blanket of anonymity, reasonably certain that no one could figure out who I am.

It doesn't feel cozy anymore.

NaBloPoMo November 2015

#MicroblogMondays - The Post I Lost

 So, I lost what was turning into a good post last night. I ca't recreate it, it was waxing on about how my blog is changing and how I'm not sure how to focus it, or if it even needs to be focused. Seriously can't remember any of what I wrote for that. I was getting into therapy on part of it though - now that I can go on and on about....

On Friday I had a good therapy appointment, the kind where I felt, "Ok, I can do this with this therapist, she's starting to see the picture". I think that her admission that she was surprised I came back after the first couple of sessions, and that it was obvious that I had a wall up helped. She's definitely a data-gatherer mentioning that anything written I get from my mom would help her in understanding the dynamic. In addition, I mentioned my brother, CB, who is off in his own little world making Yo.uT.ube videos that seem delusional and she would like to see one of those. That's the kind of information that she needs to make determinations about my family dynamic and the types of mental illness that may be pervasive in my family.

My brother L, and I are no longer connecting, and when I left a voicemail that expressed my frustration at being ignored any time I’ve tried to call him over the past several months, he told me I was being mean.  I thought he was my ally in this whole sh*tty family dynamic and instead it seems like he’s had all he can take so he’s going to cut me off. Like my imploded friendships I got the “You’re too angry” line from my own brother, with whom I have been extremely open, vulnerable, and yes, angry as I work through 41 years of f*cked up family dynamic.

NaBloPoMo November 2015