Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

It's That Time of the Month...

I feel like ass today. It's about time for AF to show, I don't feel well, and like with every single AF there's still a little bit of a sigh. Funny, if I were still TTC I'd be wondering if maybe, just maybe this was it and the bloating was a symptom! How things change...AF holds a hell of a lot more meaning now than before TTC. For 2 years it was a signal of another failure and I still can't shake that feeling.

I made an appt for Saturday with my acupuncturist from the ol' TTC days. I feel like it'll be weird and I considered trying someone else but I'm too lazy to research new ones. She became really frustrated with my case which didn't help my mood near the end. But I can't blame her. She's the most thorough health care provider I've ever met, researching everything under the sun and according to all the tests, I literally have no indication that I should be infertile. She thought I would be a slam dunk - a little acupuncture, some yucky herbs and voila! pregnant! Haha. What a joke.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried a round of IVF just to try to find out what the hell is really wrong. And today I wondered with all this health care brouhaha, if IVF were covered would we have done it? The cost was a huge deterrent, along with the joys of poking myself with a needle multiple times. It just didn't seem right for this slightly-granola, risk-averse chick. Still, if it were covered under my insurance....hmmmm.....

....and here's something I'm just going to throw out there because well, it's weird. I actually went to a psychic during the infertility treatments because I was completely desperate. She told me that I would be pregnant eventually and that it would be a girl. Apparently my problem is some deep emotional "wound" that is preventing pregnancy. It was weird, and the stuff she knew about me and my family was totally freaky! A little too much for me so I didn't go back. But still, I wonder if I'm supposed to be on this adoption journey and experiencing infertility for a reason. Like, will going through all of this and experiencing another way of being a parent "heal" me? Who knows, maybe she didn't mean pregnant in the literal sense. I didn't ask the psychic about adopting even though we had the second round of the application sitting in the house. Sometimes, you have to make up your own mind. Ironically, that little visit pushed me more towards adoption than continuing to try to get pregnant and having to deal with whatever deep emotions are apparently making me infertile. Mostly because I feel like everyone has something from their childhood that didn't go right and wounded them in some way and plenty of other people get pregnant without delving into deep emotional crap. There's the engineer coming out!

Wow, what a ramble, I should probably go do some work now. Oh, the joys of report-writing beckon.

Comedy of Errors