Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Why Did We Choose Adoption?

The short answer: Frustrating aspect of infertility treatments; the extreme annoyance I had at trying to force my body to get pregnant; and the fact that we both realized that we want to be parents more than go to the ends of the earth trying to have a biological child.
That being said, if I could've gotten pregnant and had a biological child it sure would have been a hell of a lot easier on me, my husband, and our marriage.

The long answer: When we started TTC (after delaying for 5 years 'cause we wanted to make sure the "time was right", haha how funny that is now!) I had absolutely NO inkling that I could have fertility issues. My mother popped out 4 kids no problems, her mother had 5, my aunts have multiple children, and I was relatively healthy despite having vulvodynia and suspected endometriosis. Fast forward to about six-nine months "really" TTC'ing and I started to get nervous. Mind you, I had been off the pill for a couple years at this point and while we prevented, we weren't exactly "on it" 100% of the time. Probably should've been the first clue. I should point out that while my doctor suspected endo, she never thought it was bad enough to warrant a laparascopy, and it ended up I only had minimal endo when I finally did have the lap. Once we went to the RE and every single damn test came back passing with flying colors for both of us, I started to wonder what the hell was up. This is about the same time that I was getting extremely frustrated and depressed. Friends of ours were in the process of adopting and I think that got me started thinking about it as an alternative. I think the other big push for me personally was that I had previously gone through years of treatments for the vulvodynia and I was not looking forward to getting back on the poking-prodding-generally invasive treadmill. To top it off, the stress of trying to hide the fact that I was TTC'ing while simultaneously taking 2-3 hours a week of sick time to go to acupuncture and doctor's appointments with nary a hint of a BFP really started to get to me. Meanwhile my friends were announcing their pregnancies and quite a few of my message board friends were getting pregnant even if it was taking them a year or more.

I started researching agencies fairly early on, after the first IUI I think, which hurt like a bitch and of course failed even with a gazillion good sperm. I really think that I'm just flat out tired of messing around down there. I also feel strongly that I don't want to force my body to do something that it doesn't feel like accomplishing. When I think about my anger, frustration and grief towards infertility I'm more upset that my reproductive system has failed again and I'm furious that I couldn't do anything on my time frame.

I realize that we barely touched the tip of the infertility-treatment iceberg then backed off. That part is kind of funny because sometimes I feel like I should've used up all those IUI's that were covered by insurance (mmm-hmmm and shelled out hundreds of dollars in injectables...I know that's where my doc was going with if IUI#4 failed). IVF was off the table immediately because it isn't covered under insurance. Plain and simple. I wasn't going to shell out $10-15k just to get a 30% chance instead of a 10% chance or whatever the hell I have in any given cycle. Besides I could barely handle sticking a needle in my ass for the HCG trigger shot. Like I would have been able to give myself daily injections...ha. Oh, and the depression thing. Yeah, that was a killer. Quite possibly I needed to be medicated and in counseling at some point in this process. When I tried to socialize with friends it generally did not go well, even to the point that I stormed out of a Christmas party (leaving DH to wonder WTF) that I organized. What an out-of-body experience that was thankyouverymuch Femara. Those experiences could not continue and I'm sure it would have gotten much much worse if we had kept going with treatments. Maybe pregnancy would have been achieved on the 4th IUI but there certainly came a point when I realized I was losing myself to the process.

Taking charge of my life again became the most important part of the TTC journey and slowly I've gotten back to normal as we've gone through the adoption process. There's still going to be issues to deal with, but I feel more hopeful than I have in a long long time. Besides, even though we don't known when we'll have a baby, we do know that it will happen. It's a welcome change from the month to month disappointments.

I Should've Included DH In That Last One

Depeche Mode