Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

One Step Forward, 6 Backward

I'm beginning to hate this phrase "Enjoy each other before the baby comes and do fun things!"

I can't stop being down about the meeting on Friday.  Despite the fact we knew that it had been very slow at the agency this year I think I didn't want to hear it ina face to face meeting.   I wanted to hear that it was turning around and instead our caseworker wasn't all that optimistic.  Really, it should be fine, we knew how long we would have to wait but we're going to be lucky to have a baby before S turns 40.  FORTY.  Holy fuck.  It's enough to make me want to TTC again.  Why not?  We don't know what's wrong - all my tests are fine.  I don't want to do any fertility treatments but what if it ends up working on its own?  I don't know what to do about that frankly.  This is when it really sucks be in the "Unexplained" category.  We don't really know that I'm infertile.  It just didn't work for approximately 30 cycles.

I'm starting to understand how my single friends feel.  (*edit*  I mean the friends I have who are frustrated with dating and who express their frustration to me) It's like the world is passing you by and you're stuck in one place.  You can't move, even when you do things to help you move forward somehow you're greeted with the same damn situation.  Yeah sure, it'll be great to have extra time to save up money before the baby comes but that lame attempt to brainwash myself isn't working anymore.  And, sure we can probably squeeze in another kickass vacation next year since there's very little chance of being matched before next fall/winter.

I don't give a fuck.

I want to move on dammit!

Such a Heavy Heart...