Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

What is "Normal?"

Stealing a page from my friend A's reaction to her recent genetic testing...  Reading her confusion over her normal test results brought back my sadness and anger with my own infertility.  When we had our first visit with the R.E. in January of last year she performed a pelvic exam.  After poking around with a "does this hurt?" and an "ow, hell yes it does!" the verdict was a 70% chance of endometriosis which could inhibit fertility depending on how advanced it was.  Endometriosis had long been suspected given the painful periods I started having in my early 20's before taking bcp's.  She thought I likely had a mild case at best but still, my probability of conceiving in any given month had just plummeted.  Seven vials of blood and a Clomid Challenge revealed everything else well within normal limits.  HSG revealed wide open tubes and tipped uterus.  She seemed confident that it may take a little longer but that the laparscopy wasn't neccessary and ultimately she was right because all that was found was one spot of endo when I finally decided to do the surgery.  Nothing to get excited about and I'm still classified as "unexplained infertility" in my chart.  My acupuncturist had the same attitude at first.  Pulses felt pretty good, she thought a little tweaking, a little boost from acupuncture and herbs and 3 months later I'd be pregnant.  Well, we all know how that worked out.

The upshot is none of my testing has ever pointed to an actual problem with my system.  I have normal blood tests.  I ovulate (strongly some months).  I responded to fertility drugs.  I have chronic inflammation in the form of  I have the beginnings of endometriosis.  I've had more than my fair share of Y.I.'s.  I took Acc.u.tane, I took long term antibiotics when I was a teenager.  My uterus is tilted to the left.  Do all of these things add up to infertility? 

 I'll never know what's wrong with me.  But hey, I'm "normal".

It sucks and it's not fair.  I probably shouldn't admit it but I'm somewhat jealous of women who can point exactly to their cause of infertility.  I feel like it would have made it easier to accept and move on instead of the limbo I'll always be caught in.


Oh I Am So Peeved at A Car Dealership Right Now...