Welcome to my blog. What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy and spiritual awakening. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.
I almost, almost let go a few months ago. Well, that was short-lived. I'm back to picking fights with S for no reason, rolling my eyes whenever someone talks about "G.od's plan" or "everything happens for a reason", or "get sleep now and take vacation while you can". I'm making myself exhausted by running through fake conversations in my head so that I'm ready for the next onslaught of stupidity from an acquaintance. Mind you, most of these conversations ONLY take place in my head and I hardly ever find myself in the situations I dream up. And I'm not happy, not content, not even neutral. I'm PISSED. I'm pissed that we are moving up the list 1.75 places per month. I'm pissed I didn't do more research on agencies. I'm pissed I didn't make us use the last 2 IUI's my insurance covered. I'm pissed we started TTC so late in life. I'm pissed that I showed up to teach my class on Wed. and once again NO students. I'm pissed S is cranky and working like a dog (thanks stimulus funding!). AND I'm pissed that we got kicked up into the next tax bracket this year. On the other hand, I don't have to look at taxes again until April. Guess that's good.
Come on, universe, tell me why I'm infertile. Tell me why the agency is so goddamn slow. Tell me why things can't go according to MY plan.
good grief, I did Yoga this morning. Aren't I supposed to be in a better mood?