I gone through life thus far carrying the thought that if I follow the rules then I will be rewarded. I followed the rules. I do not feel rewarded.
I feel stomped on by my reproductive system.
I feel stomped on by my friends who told me more than once to just "relax and it'll happen".
I feel stomped on by invasive fertility testing including several blood draws, a less than comfortable HSG, a laparascopy, several bouts with the di.ldo-cam, taking insanely long lunches in order to drive half an hour from work to get acupunture, and uncomfortable, cold, IUIs.
I feel stomped on by the adoption process with the intensive interviews; many dollars spent; the time off work for interviews; the home inspection; the fingerprinting; the background checks; the stress of writing a letter to an expectant mother I don't know yet; the stress of feeling like I have to market myself in order to become a parent; the stress of recognizing that the circumstances under which my baby will be conceived and born may not be the best; the stress that the mother who will place her baby in my home will grieve her loss forever; and the stress that my baby may always grieve the loss of the woman who gave birth to her/him.
I wonder if I will always wonder "what if this is the month I get pregnant?"
I wonder if I can ever truly be happy for my fertile friends who are now enjoying their toddlers and their second babies while we sit and wait.
I wonder if every single Fa.cebook pregnancy or birth announcement will cut me like a knife.
I wonder if I will be happy having an only child if it comes to that.
I wonder if I will always yell at the t.v. every time a medical drama show gets the terminology wrong.
Logically I know that someday I will be a mother, but being excited is difficult when I don't know what day.
Logically I know my friends support me, but it's difficult to look past the missteps.
Logically I know that this process is making my marriage stronger, but I still wish for the easy road.
Logically I know that the anger and resentment will fade the second I hold my baby in my arms.
What if I get what I'm secretly hoping and praying for yet haven't shared with anyone until now? Twins. What if our semi-open adoption naturally blossoms into a fully open adoption? What if our wait is shorter than expected?
I wrote this post for Project IF as part of National Infertility Awareness Week. Please visit the links to find out how you can participate and to learn more about infertility awareness.