Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Call #3 - Not the one

Our caseworker called me today regarding another situation so that we could decide if we want to be profiled.  Granted, she wasn't sure if she should call and present the case or not but wanted to give us the benefit of hearing some details.  They weren't details that I wanted to hear.   So that's that.  I'll admit, I had a knee jerk reaction and didn't even hesitate saying no.  If she had been our caseworker through the other two calls I think she would've written us off right away as not being a match. 

Every time "Restricted Caller ID" shows up on my phone it gets the adrenalin pumping because I know it's the agency.  One of these days instead of hanging up the phone feeling defeated by our struggle with the gray area, I hope the news is that we've been matched.  A nice, clear-cut match.

It's ironic to read the posts I wrote about the first call and the second call.  I'm definitely in a funk as we head into yet another holiday season sans baby.  In fact, that's been the topic of conversation the past few days as S has admitted he's bummed about facing another season.  Despite the logic which leads us down the "it won't be until at least next spring" path, we're both sick of the wait and have been secretly hoping that something would happen sooner.  I can't even complain about the wait to anyone, well, except for here.  All I ever hear, is "It'll happen before you know it" or "Enjoy the time you have together".  Of course these statements come from people who are fertile.

Number 17 or 16

My brain is fried