Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Busting a Myth - As Soon As You Adopt, You'll Get Pregnant

This is one of my personal favorites.  I wish that I had kept count of how many times this was said to me 2 years and 2 months ago when we started the homestudy process.  Everyone I know in my circle seems to know (or know of) at least one person who went through adoption and then got pregnant.  This particular myth also feeds the infertility myth that stress causes infertility.  It's a double-whammy for women like me diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  Since I have no concrete diagnosis, my friends who don't know better obviously think, (and have said to my face) that I just need to relax and it'll happen.  Therefore, put 2 and 2 together:  Obviously if we adopt a baby, once we get said baby we'll be all kinds of relaxed and before you know it, we'll be pregnant!  Ahh, happy ending, sunshine and rainbows and puppy dogs!  Um.  That's bad math people. 

The actual statistic for women getting pregnant after adopting, or while in the adoption process is less than 10 percent.  Why do we always hear about it?  Because it's sensational.  I personally have a close friend who falls in this statistic.  She and her husband got lucky.  So far, we have not hit that particular jackpot.  Now, ask me if I care.  NO.  If I happen to get pregnant at some point down the road, then great, we'll deal with it.  We don't talk about the possibility, we don't hope for the possibility, and most importantly, we did not decide on adoption as some kind of fertility drug.

If we had held on to the hope of having a biological child that tightly, we would have toughed it out for more rounds of IUI and probably an IVF or two.  We have the means.  We did not have the will. 

When we heard this statement come out of our friends' and families' mouths while in the midst of the homestudy, it made the entire process more difficult emotionally.  Admittedly, we did not take the time to fully grieve the loss of a biological child before diving headlong into adoption and so set ourselves up for a tough ride through the process.  However, hearing people hope out loud for a biological baby for us then, was jarring.  We were processing a radical change to our family building plan and our friends and family were trying to drag us back into TTC.

There have been many misinformed, unintentionally hurtful statements said to my face during our family building years, but this is the only one that physically makes me sick.  There's a saying:  "When you assume you make an a** out of u and me".  So true!  When someone says "Wouldn't it be awesome if you got pregnant right after you adopt?" all cheerful-like, they are assuming that we have not let go of having a biological child.  They are assuming that we are going through the adoption process in the hopes that this will be the catalyst to getting our biological child.  They are assuming that we will not view our adopted child in the same way as we would view a biological child.  The statement completely demeans our future child.

The number one problem with the statement "As Soon As You Adopt, You'll Get Pregnant" is that the people saying it are not making any attempt to understand the complicated emotions that go with either adoption or infertility.

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