Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Dude, This is Hard

Isn't it ironic that you wait and you wait and you wait, and then, when you get what you want, your entire life changes in seconds?  I could go on and on and on about our slow evolution into a mobile family (it's a crapshoot whether Baby X is happy in the car, or screaming non-stop in the car), but those of you who have kids have gone through this, and those that don't have kids yet probably don't want to hear the intricate details of middle of the night feedings, attempts to leave the house on time, the afore-mentioned car seat sagas, etc etc.  In fact, if you're like me, you think, "I would give anything to be in her position right now!".  So, suffice to say, this is somewhat of a difficult transition, as it is for any new parents no matter how prepared you think you are.  And, we thought we were prepared!

I happened to catch the beginning of that show I avoid like the plague (the one about babies being born) since it still stings a little to watch pregnant people talk about preparing for the arrival of a little one.  There was a lot of grief and anxiety throughout our entire process, and it doesn't magically go away.  One thing caught my attention watching their video diaries.  It was interesting to listen to their video diaries.  While, we went through all the same thoughts like "Are we ready for this?  Will we be able to bond?  How drastic is this life-change going to be?", these happened over our entire 2+ year journey to adopt rather than within a short 9 month period. 

Watching them putter about their nursery also brought a pang.  While we had fun designing the nursery and putting it together, it was always with a feeling of "when is this going to happen?"  Near the end of our wait, we had to keep the door closed most of the time.  Every now and then I'd go in and just stand in the middle of the room trying to envision a baby in there and I couldn't.  Obviously, things have changed, and the dresser is full of little clothes, the diaper pail full, and the changing table has been peed on multiple times.  So, even though it was put together with some trepidation, I'm really happy we forced ourselves to do it while we were waiting.  That way, it was pretty much the way I wanted it.

And here's where this post gets baby-centric...

Baby X changes practically every day it seems like.  When we picked him up from cradle care he loved the swing, and now he sort of thinks the swing is ok, but seems to last less than an hour before he's had it.  Maybe it's the type of swing we have since the cradle care mom had a swing that went side to side and ours goes front-back.  He eats a ton I think.  He's 5.5 weeks old and puts away 5-6oz of formula every four hours.  I don't know if this is normal or if he's playing catch up because he was so tiny at birth (5.5 lbs at full term).  But, he's hungry and he lets us know it.  We've had some fussiness/gassiness issues so we've had to experiment with 4 different kinds of formula.  I'm sad to say that the one he tolerates has corn syrup solids and sucrose as the first two ingredients.  Damn.  Plus it's the brand that got recalled last year.  Double damn. 

I'm trying to get S on-board with cloth diapering and thanks to a friend of mine who had a preemie, have a plethora of borrowed tiny diapers to use until he fits into the ones I have.  We have every type of diaper to experiment with.  So far, S hates prefolds (yeah, afraid of a little pee) and is trying to convince me that this cloth diapering thing won't last too long.  *eye roll*  This is according to everyone at work who "tried" to cd then gave up.  The difference is, they don't have my crunchy granola tendencies.  We'll be cd'ing as much as possible, and he'll have to get used to it.  We do have some fitteds and all-in-ones and pockets, so S uses those.  I'm the designated diaper laundress though, S won't get near them once they go into the diaper pail.  Wuss.

Yesterday we had a professional photography session that went really well.  I'm super excited about Baby X's newborn pictures and we loved the photographer.  (good thing because we have two more sessions with her for 6-month and 1-year!).

Our agency does not allow photos to be texted, e-mailed, posted on FB, or even be sent around in a password protected album until the adoption is finalized in December.  Do you know how difficult this is?  Thankfully, hard copy images through snail mail are fine so we'll send out baby announcements as soon as we go through all his photos from the shoot.  Hopefully that will appease some of the out of town family. 

I like the ring sling FWIW.  I found a maker on (lil pee.per kee.pers) who is much less expensive than other slings and I'm really impressed with the quality of the sling.  It's much cooler than the Moby and perfect for around the house.  I like the bj.orn for running errands because of the position and the lumbar support.  Our car seat is humongous so I don't bother trying to shop with it in a shopping cart, plus carrying it is already awkward, and he doesn't weigh that much!

Ah Summer...

Four Weeks Old and an Anniversary