A brief history of me: I stopped taking BCPs in early 2006, and we started TTC for real in 2007. Over the next two and half years, we went through months of TTC followed by the realization that something was not quite right and so ensued the infertility testing gauntlet, acupuncture, laparascopy and a few IUI's. Ultimately, I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. The drugs sent me straight to Crazytown, so we didn't think it was wise to go further than IUIs. Besides, we wanted to be parents, and didn't want to ride the infertility roller coaster much longer since we were getting older. We moved on to domestic private adoption, and following our elation to finally be done with the homestudy, settled in for what we thought might be about a year and half wait.
The first year was relatively easy waiting-wise. Since we knew it was unlikely we would be matched, we went through our normal lives working, vacationing, skiing, all the while not worrying too much about getting a phone call. Although, we got a phone call early on and that did propel me into thinking that maybe our wait wouldn't be that long. ha.
The first year stretched into the second year, and suddenly everything was magnified. We knew we would have to update the homestudy, that was not news, but we weren't really prepared for the fall-out. Even though we were expecting it, it hit hard afterward that there went another year.
I think the hardest part of the wait started in the winter as we were moving up the list quickly and were in a position to be profiled for months. As soon as we got the phone call about renewing our homestudy for the second time, I really started to lose it. More, I just didn't care to pretend that everything was all right anymore. Anytime someone asked me how it was going, I practically snapped. Both S and I felt hopeless in the weeks leading up to the phone call. We went through the motions of working, and trying to stay social even though we really weren't feeling it. Over the past few months I had scheduled three site visits to take place in July and August, with the hope that I wouldn't be able to attend any of them. But, I had to pretend that nothing was going to happen. Who can plan around a phone call out of the blue? It's far different than being pregnant and at least having some idea when you might go into labor, or at least, can't fly or run around on a dam anymore. The day I got the phone call about being profiled from our caseworker, I was just muddling along per usual, trying to hide in my cube.
Once we brought home Baby X in a daze a few days later all attention was focused on figuring out how to keep this little human happy and fed. As the past couple of months have unfolded, and we've settled into somewhat of a routine I can really process how different I feel now that we have the wait behind us. S's co-workers commented that he walks around the office differently. Our friends have commented that I was instantly happier immediately after we knew we were matched. It's not that I forget any part of the struggle, but because we're finally off the roller coaster, all the angst, anger, and grief over infertility and the adoption process is slowly melting into the background. To some degree I've come to accept my infertility. What else am I going to do? Hate my body forever? At some point I have to move on and celebrate the fact that S and I were willing to take a leap of faith into the unknown world of adoption together. Being the first in either one of our families to adopt because of infertility is practically like striking out on the Oregon Trail in a covered wagon.
During our wait, private adoption in our entire state slowed down. Agencies were not accepting applications for domestic placements, and even our agency, which can handle a large pool of waiting families had to put applications on hold. Oddly enough, knowing these facts did nothing to help make the wait easier. But, now everything has completely changed. We're both much happier, which makes me wonder about that study that says couples without kids are happier than couples with kids. I'm especially happy that the feeling of being stuck is gone. It's time to settle into a long road of parenting; of work-life balance; of adoption talk; of worrying how our relationship with C will evolve; and how Baby X is going to feel about this whole thing once he's old enough to understand. I doubt I'll ever forget what it took to get to this point, and I suppose there were some good learning experiences in there (letting go of control *ahem*), but I am so glad that it's finally over.
Here's to getting off the hamster wheel.