Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Food for Thought

I've started several posts in my head, some are in draft form, and there's all kinds of thoughts knocking around my head.  So, because this has been going on for weeks, yet I still haven't generated a bonafide well-thought out post, I've decided to virtually throw up on the page.  Enjoy.
This transition from adoptive-mom-in-waiting to adoptive-mom has been a little difficult.  Ok, a lot difficult.  I don't know what to blog about half the time, and the other half I'm really busy trying to keep up with life and work. 

Anyway, Dawn at Creating a Family has a post up, that I know has been talked about in the ALI community from time to time.  In the middle of writing my comment, I was struck by a thought:

And, you have to wonder sometimes, if in trying to straddle the line, you aren’t really moving on, but giving yourself an excuse to wallow in misery.

Lately, I've been contemplating some therapy, based on how I've reacted to some things that have occurred.  I think transitions are really difficult, no matter how happy they are, and I think I'm having trouble transitioning in life.  All my "big moments" are over.  I graduated from college twice, got married, got the house, struggled through infertility, then got the baby, and's just life....  I'm jealous of the people who's weddings I attend, they're so happy and looking forward and have so much attention lavished on them for a day (or three days in the case of my brother's wedding).  It's hard to admit, because it makes me look so damn selfish, but I like the attention and the pomp and circumstance.  Anyway, I've felt quite bitchy at every major event we've attended and found it difficult to have fun. 
So, between the IRL transition and struggling to not turn into an angry old bat, and the online transition to quasi-mommy-blogger, I wonder if in trying to keep a foot in the ALI community comiserating with others that have struggled, if I'm just letting myself wallow. 

How do you deal with the transitions?

Arguing. S and I have differing opinions on this one.  Recently we were filling out our SAFE questionnaires for our second adoption (and I was cursing my shortsightedness in not making copies of the first ones) and got to the question about how often you and your spouse argue.  I can't remember what the responses were, but I consulted S on the matter (I don't think you're supposed to, but what the hell, I'm irritated I have to fill this out again).  Anyway, he chose an answer that was less often than my answer.  That led to a discussion about what an argument is.  S thinks we hardly argue.  I think we have little arguments almost weekly, usually when Baby X is thrashing about on the changing table and one of us is trying to pin him down while the other aims eyedrops and hopes to hit an eye (pinkeye, fun times).  I have a short temper and usually end up snapping at S and he snaps back.  To me, that's a disagreement and counts as arguing.  To him, that's just snapping and my problem because I have a temper.  As for real arguments where there's an actual fight that goes on and on, they are few and far between.  Typically we discuss difficult things, plus S is pretty passive and internalizes a lot.  It's hard to have a knock down drag out fight with someone who doesn't want to. 

I think we're having an argument about arguing. 

The weird family dynamics continue. Has anyone else gotten mad (I mean really ticked, don't want to see them right now) at their parents once they started finding out what different parenting styles do to kids?  Related to that, has anyone else started seriously freaking out that they are most definitely turning into their mother?  I'm fighting against being my parents in raising Baby X. 

They were drill sergeants, constantly on me to do well in school, punishing me when I didn't, threatening to take away ballet when I got a bad grade (turned out to be an empty threat, but I was appropriately scared), wouldn't talk about the fact that we are a blended family (hello, two of my brothers totally don't look like me!), yelled at me for wanting to talk about it, and generally made me feel like I was never good enough.  I rebelled by going off to college and making less than a 3.0 by the time I graduated.  Yeah, I know, total rebel.  But seriously, who get's a master's degree in engineering, (this is 6 years after graduating college), and then endures for several more years "Well, you could have gotten a Ph.D if you wanted to."  I didn't want to!  I had a pretty happy childhood all things considered, and I'm well aware I'm focusing on all the negatives right now.  But that's where I am. 

I'm sick of my mom telling me to "be careful" of what I say to one of my brothers because "he's going through some stuff and we don't want to set him off".  Fuck, seriously?  I hardly talk to the guy, as we've never gotten along.  I'm sick of going over to their house and having her jump and scream because X got close to the stairs.  Not tumbled down them, not even close enough to swing a leg over to start going down.  Overreact much?  I'm sick of her being a busybody as I'm trying new foods and he spits them out, and suggesting five different things I could feed him.  I'm sick of them acting like X is the smartest, cutest, fastest baby like ever.  I realize grandparents are proud of grandbabies, but it even bugs S.  (An indicator that it's way over the top.) 

So, yeah, as I've gotten older, I've started working through all this bullshit and as it turns out I'm 38 and acting like a 20 year old.  God that's embarrassing.  I probably need therapy.  I just don't know how to find a decent one.  I've never had great luck connecting with therapists.

You know how people whine and moan about others only posting stuff on FB about their kids.  I found out why people do that.  Ok, maybe not "people", but why I do that.  No one gives a shit about what I'm doing!  I get so many more hits on a picture or description of Baby X than any accomplishment, travel, or whatever else I may be doing with my life.  So there.

Ten Year Wedding Anniversary

Posting and Traveling