One of the the things I'm exploring (working on?) with Therapist is my reactions to feeling left out. I don't react well and finding out that we or I wasn't invited to an event with friends can send me into a tailspin in seconds flat. It's a sucky way to live, and I hate it. I also keep score on friendships and because I've now had a few fail, I tend to think that I must be a bad friend and it was all my fault that the friendship fell apart. Well, not all my fault, but in general I feel like maybe I could have done something to fix it, and usually I try. It turns out, not everyone wants to communicate, and when they are done, they are done.
Problems have arisen because we have many mutual friends in common. This weekend, I decided to host a little party with friends of ours, whom we haven't seem in months. In the course of conversation, people at my party started talking about seeing so and so about a month ago, "You know, remember when we were at that bar near C and J's house?" S and I were the only ones not at said bar. S and I were the only ones not invited to said bar. Since J is the woman who decided not to be my friend anymore, I'm not surprised. BUT, this is so unusual for this group of friends. First of all, up until last summer it was me and S and C and J who used to get together regularly out of this group. Us not being invited to something is huge. I mean, they could have invited S and not me, it's his group of friends. I don't know if he would have gone, but it's just totally fucked up that he's being excluded because me and J are no longer friends. Anyway, I did good (for me), dropped it, didn't talk about J, didn't try to get any more information, but I fumed internally and spent a great deal of energy trying to act like nothing happened. Yay, fun party.
I always go to such a shitty place in my head when finding out information like this. Like, what's being said about me when all of them get together? Probably nothing, that's just all kinds of narcissistic, isn't it? But I still worry because I'm not there to defend myself. Am I that bad of a person that it's worth making every social event with this group of friends completely weird and awkward? Should we just completely remove ourselves from this group and not even try anymore? But the people I invited to our party came, so I guess they don't hate me right?
Oh, and there's a gathering coming up soon, that all four of us have been invited to and they are going. So are we.
Good thing I have therapy this week.