Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Officially Open

Over the past year plus a couple months, we've been existing in murky semi-open relationship with C.  All of our visits have been set up through a third party (her caseworker), and have been held at neutral locations, most often, the agency office.  That has been fine, but I have desired more direct communication with C, wondering if this back and forth through a third party has been hindering growth in our relationship.  The past couple of visits made me think that it probably has not been hindering growth as we were able to hold conversations with C with minimal intervention from her caseworker.  In contrast to that were the first couple of visits when we had no idea what to talk about, and it was great to have someone else there to prompt conversation.  We have C's e-mail address, and she has ours, but the communication over e-mail has been sporadic and largely one-sided (us).  I'm sure she appreciates frequent updates and pictures, but she tends not to respond.  So, while we've been having great visits, the lack of response through e-mail has been a little disheartening for me.  But, I keep sending little updates every month regardless.

In my first visit to the therapist, I talked a little about how we were feeling that we were feeling like we shouldn't need an intermediary, and she wisely stopped me about 30 seconds into my diatribe.  She told me to let C's caseworker guide us, after all, she's the one with years of experience in the adoption field, and we have no experience.  That helped me to calm down and I could see the wisdom in that.  S and I are pretty slow at developing relationships with other people, and to be thrown (willingly, but still thrown) into a brand new, eerily intimate relationship was pretty daunting for us.

Then the request came up on our most recent visit, and I was irritated that I wasn't having the contact with C to ask the questions I wanted to ask directly.  Knowing that we were getting second-hand facts, and that we really didn't know why she wanted to include other people is mostly what made me say no.  That, and Baby X is starting his clingy phase, and I thought this may be a difficult visit because of this.  (It was, I felt really bad that he wouldn't go to C at all). 

Well, the visit came and went, and it was held at the agency office again.  It was a good visit (except for the clinging and shyness) and we were able to ask C about her request and get more information on who it is she'd like to have meet Baby X.  Most of the time, her caseworker wasn't in the room, and at the end of the visit she said she had a question for all of us.  Did we feel like we really needed her to set up our visits?  She didn't think so.

Ha.  Pushed out of the nest.  So, here we are, just weeks after the therapist told me that staying the course might be a good thing to do for a little while longer.  Now, it's up to the three of us to figure out visits and transportation and locations and what have you.  The agency is still there for all of us should we need a place to meet, or if something happens and we need a little more help communicating.

It's liberating and scary all at once.  Yet another big shift in a short amount of time, but I think we're ready. 

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