Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.


Title says it all.  It's 3:22 am and I've been awake since 2am when I had to pee.

I don't get insomnia that often, and most of the time, it's more of an issue of having to turn off my brain to make myself get back to sleep.  Most of the time, if I've laid in bed for an hour willing myself to go back to sleep, it will happen.  Most of the time, I get it around midnight after I've slept for a couple of hours, so there's plenty of sleep time left once I do fall back asleep.  This is different, and I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but I have an inkling.

Part of the work I've been doing in therapy is to compartmentalize work from home.  Leave work at work so that I can focus on being the best version of me in my off time.  It seemed like a funny practice to me because I've never been what you would call a workaholic.  But I am most definitely a perfectionist, so even if I'm not working, I'm worrying about it.  Worrying about whether I'll screw up this time or that time, or if I'm good enough.  That kind of worry.  When I worry like that, I get anxious, and when I get anxious I'm not really present in my every day life.  Who is when they are anxious, right?  The exercise in compartmentalization has been to slack a little (more like give myself a break since I'm a little slow with the holidays and all) and to practice visualizations when I get to work and when I leave work to help with the compartmentalization.  It's all to help me recognize that the person I perceive myself to be (never good enough, always making mistakes) is not the person my colleagues see (you don't get great performance reviews if you're always making mistakes).  My supervisor spends practically no time with me, and has left me to sink or swim in big meetings by myself from time to time.  This happens even if I ask him specifically to attend a meeting so I have back-up.  There's obviously other issues with his management style, but the point that Therapist is trying to make me see is that he thinks I can handle it, despite what I think/feel about my ability.

In addition, I've been dealing with a less than stellar team lead, blew my budget trying to do his job half the time and then got dragged through the mud because of it.  Ok, maybe not really dragged through the mud, but I did have to defend myself and reveal that we were having internal issues to the client liasion (not exactly the client, but close and I won't bore you with the details of how that works).  In that meeting, the team lead didn't show, but my supervisor did and he helped defend my budget woes.  Score one for me.  So, that was all well and good when it came down to the end, but we aren't done with the project yet, and I have been yearning to kick this one to the curb practically since it began.  Come to last Wednesday after I got back from vacation to find a typical e-mail from the team lead to the design leads on the team to hurry up and update the design summary document and do it in two days.  Thursday, Baby X got sick and I had to stay home.  Friday, I kind of forgot about the document because I have other higher priority work at the moment, and I was pissed at the lead.  Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

I didn't get it done today, and I also managed to not turn off my brain when I left work.  When I woke up at 2am this morning, I realized that my portion of the write up has to be reviewed before I can send it on, and who the hell does this team lead think he is demanding a 2-day turn around?  That's not how it works in our place of business.  Ever.

I've been composing various e-mails in my head ever since, from the obviously bitchy versions to the more pared down, "hey, I can't get this to you until date because it needs to be reviewed first.

I don't think that's successful compartmentalization.

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