Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Secondary Infertility? Really?

Not really, since I'm still just plain old primarily infertile, but Therapist seems to think that emotionally I'm going through secondary infertility.  Most of this is probably brought on by two facts:

1) Our adoption wait is excessively long unless we are either able to come up with double the money planned, or our website is so kick-ass amazing that we are matched through it.

2)  I NEVER got a diagnosis.  All I ever heard from the RE and my acupuncturist was how normal my cycles and levels were and how great S's counts were.  Now, how did that translate to infertility?

Remember this post?  One doth protest too much, I fear.

We're going in for a consult with a different RE.  I have already been informally timing cycles for a couple months and have been devastated when AF arrived right on time.  OPKs are in my future.

A few things are different this time around in that my depression symptoms are under control (and were wildly out of control by the time we got to treatment-land the first time, then it just got worse), and we aren't in that desperate to have a baby mode.  Yes, we have a baby and we have an amazing baby, but our family isn't complete.  Maybe I shouldn't be slamming the door on TTC so quickly.  Maybe I should get over all my protestations about not wanting to be that family:  the one where the miracle pregnancy occurs because we adopted (such a goddamn fallacy it drives me beserk). 

If I do get pregnant, it's not because we adopted.  It's because I got my butt to a therapist and discovered I was way more out of wack than I thought.  It's because the mind-body connection is healed (that's what I'm going to go with considering that physically it's all fine, or was fine 5 years ago).  It's also because we tried, and we pulled out all the old gear and went for it.  One thing's for sure, Baby X isn't going to cause my uterus to suddenly wake up and do what it's supposed to.  That's quite a lot to ask out of a 20 month old!

I still don't know how I feel about having a biological child now that I'm enmeshed in adoption, but there are plenty of families who make their way every day in a similar make-up. 

Besides, who knows if it'll work.  Maybe my chances are hideous and maybe things aren't looking so great at the ripe old age of 38.  But I have to know.  I have to try while the door is still cracked.  I just want to have another baby, and honestly, how that baby comes to be whether through birth or adoption is fast becoming irrelevant. Both paths are the means to an end. We'll see which comes first.

The shoulda, woulda, coulda game pretty much sucks.   But, Therapist brought up a great point.  I was not ready to be aggressive in treatment when we were in treatment.  Why?  Well, see #2.  Why would I put myself through IUI after IUI if it didn't work the first couple of times considering I had no apparent reason why pregnancy wasn't happening?  Besides, I had an RE tell me that I would probably get pregnant on timed cycles, on our own.  They're the experts right? 

This side-TTC journey does not take away from the journey we took to become a family and the choices that we made to jump into the world of transracial adoption.  For my personal journey, I  need the data on my fertility and I need to try to figure out the problem one last time. 

I'm an engineer after all.

p.s.  S is not so much on-board with this side-journey.  Given that his way of getting over our infertility is to think how lucky he is not to have to go through all the scary things that could happen in a pregnancy, it's quite a change to be back in the mental state of actually trying to get me pregnant.  The way  he thinks, you'd think we didn't have modern medicine in the good old U S of A.   

20 Questions - *Edited - I have an answer to #19!