Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Revisiting Treatments

Remember this post?  Well, things keep getting weirder in my world.

I wasn't going to talk about this until we had our appointment, but I'm feeling the need to rant write.  We have a consult with C-C-R-M soon.  We are going down the T-T-C road again and not sure if it's right or wrong.  It's all so confusing with so many people around me giving birth and the fact that I still can't bring myself to go to a baby shower or talk with my brother about the impending birth of his daughter without getting supremely annoyed.

Along with all the emotional stuff, I would really like to know what's wrong with me.  Now that I know better, I've decided that consulting with one of the best clinics in the country is probably the   I'm 38, I'm not expecting much, but I want to know what my chances are so that we can make an informed decision once again.  The difference from the decision we made to end treatments a few years ago is that the emotions aren't as high anymore.  We made that decision when I was so deep into depression that I could barely function.  I hated life and I was so angry that all I had been hearing was that all my tests looked great and there was no reason why I shouldn't be pregnant.  No reason that is, except that I didn't get pregnant.  This time, depression symptoms are under control, I can think clearly and objectively.

S is not so much into this path, especially after looking at the S-A-R-T data in my age group.  It's different for men, and that has been clear here.  He went through the grieving of a biological child, wrapped it up in his brain, and moved on.  While he's as frustrated as I am that building our family is much more difficult than the traditional route, he's made peace, and he looks forward.  He tells me often that my hindsight vision is way better than 20/20 and he wishes it wasn't that way.  Now, I'm second guessing the decision to stop treatments when we did.  Therapist keeps reminding me that at the time we made the decision, I wasn't in an emotional place to move forward, and that's ok.  But, it doesn't feel ok, when your biological clock is a ticking time bomb.  Based on my age, I've officially fallen off the fertility cliff and maybe all I need is to hear that from one of the best doctors so that I can finally put it all to bed.  I don't even know how I feel about moving forward with I-V-F.  There's the cost.  There's the drugs.  There's the injections.  There's the hijacking of my system.  There's the chance I'll have poor response.  There's the chance I'll have ridiculously good response. There's the chance that it'll work on the first round.  There's the chance we'll have to make a decision about leftover embryos.  There's the chance that it won't work on multiple rounds.  Am I ready for that?

Forget the medical stuff, am I ready to hear "I knew you'd get pregnant after adopting!"????

OH COME ON (Technology, hrmph)