Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

The Consultation Facts

 S was already there waiting for me.  They took my i.d. and insurance card then whisked us off. 

I got weighed (not happy with their scale....).  Blood pressure taken (higher than usual, gee, I wonder why).  Then, we sat down in a little room and waited for the doctor.

Thank G-d she was warm and friendly!  She asked how long we had been married and about our first adoption.  She asked if we are planning or looking into adoption again. I admitted that we are currently waiting, and are revisiting options at this point. 

She went over all our previous records, pointing out some things that had not been tested on S's end.  Whether that was an oversight, or this office does overkill, it's recommended that he be tested again including DNA fragmentation plus something else I already forgot. 

She went over my hormone level tests, HSG and laparascopy from 4 years ago.  All normal, but there's that little bit of endo.  She asked how long I've been off bcps, whether there was any preventing during our first adoption wait.

We looked at our 3 IUI cycles.  One Cl.omid, two Fem.ara.  My ovaries responded well, S was ridiculously stellar (although the previous doc only did a simple wash rather than a gradient wash).  All three ended in betas of zero, or my cycle starting over.

Previous attempts discussed, she launched into what "could" be going on at this point.  Here's what I heard...blahblahblahblah "genetic abnormality", blahblahblahblahblah, "genetic abnormality", blahblahblahblah, IVF with genetic testing, blahblahblahblah, 1/100 chance of genetic disease, up from 1/800 when I was 34. 

What she really said...If my hormone levels and AMH are still within normal levels, it's probably a 61% chance of live birth (I'm guessing that's not one cycle, probably more than one cycle...forgot to ask that question).  There are several different ways to deal with S if there's some issue that has been previously undetected.  And there was a whole lot more, I have a bunch of notes, but the upshot (which I already knew) is IVF.  Because of my age, it's IVF with genetic testing. 

S asked about the bottom line cost of the procedure after joking about being a typical guy and asking about money.  It's a ton of money. 

A few days later to process and really think about what we heard is leaving me exhausted.  A few months ago when this subject came up in Therapists office, I thought "yeah, why not just TTC for a little while to see if anything happens?  Why not get a second opinion from one of the best in the country?"  Today, I'm thinking it sucks to schedule day 3 blood draws, to schedule a blood draw 7-10 days after ovulation, and to schedule a date with The Wand.

 As I sit here and write this post, in my gut I don't want to do this.  I'm not even sure I want the tests to clarify where we are (after all, they may clarify, or they may muddy the waters and come back with awesome results again). 

S is most definitely against an IVF cycle.  He understands I'm frustrated by the lack of answers, but he isn't willing to go down the rabbit hole of treatment again.  He's fine if the next adoption takes 3 years.  Perhaps it's because he's hit the 40 mark and I'm staring it down.  This year has been difficult for me as I see the wrinkles forming on my face, the copious amounts of gray hair that I cover, and the difficulty in trying to lose a few pounds compared to five years ago.  I feel old.  I don't want to feel older when the next baby comes along.  S went through a similar phase right before he turned 40, and I couldn't understand why he was out of sorts.  I guess I know.

I have a few weeks and a therapy appointment before I have to decide whether to start the testing (auspicious scheduling of the consult on CD6!) on the next cycle.

Something I Want To Post on F-B, But I'll Write Here Instead

The Consultation Emotion