This is my first foray into Time Warp Tuesdays, and this one struck a chord with me given the decision making we'll have to as we continue to move down the adoption road. One of the comments D made in the hospital that put me on edge was one we hear quite a bit as adoptive parents. If there are so many kids who need parents, then why are there so many people waiting to adopt? It's a sensitive topic, this family building-business, and how we go about it is intensely personal. Yet, people on the outside always see fit to judge our decision making process. They don't have to live our lives working through infertility diagnoses and all the decision making that goes into our family building process. Most of the time, the comments are being made by people who have had no troubles with their own family building, so they can't even begin to understand how difficult it is to make these decisions. I myself have had problems with our decision to pursue adoption again. The decision to start a second adoption process wasn't taken lightly. After all, we have less available funds to work with given that we don't even have 2/3 of the tax credit back from the I-R-S yet (officially been over a year since filing for it), we had to buy two new vehicles pretty close together and we are paying for full-time daycare. Not to mention that I don't have 6+ years of sick leave saved up to cover my maternity leave anymore. If we don't have another child, then we can continue living a pretty stress-free lifestyle. We're able to save money and could probably continue saving money with limited budget constraints while one of us works part-time. All this could happen if we don't have another child. But, we want to have another child. Not just to have a sibling for X (although, he has so much energy, he needs someone to boss around), but because we are both from families with multiple siblings. And we are close to some of those siblings. And it's always nice to be able to call up my sibling for support when there is family strife. We get each other. I want X to have that kind of relationship, and even though there's a chance they could grow apart to never communicate again (it happens), at least I would hope that they would fondly remember childhood.
The decision hasn't been whether we are going to have a second child. It's been how we will have the second child. That decision has been the one to really pull at me, much less so at S. This post that I wrote a few months ago is part of that decision making process I've had to go through to arrive at adoption is the answer. I've put the text of the post below for your viewing pleasure (especially on phones, I know it's difficult to click over).
? Well, things keep getting weirder in my world.
I wasn't going to talk about this until we had our appointment, but I'm feeling the need to
write. We have a consult with CCRM soon. We are going down the TTC road again and not sure if it's right or wrong. It's all so confusing with so many people around me giving birth and the fact that I still can't bring myself to go to a baby shower or talk with my brother about the impending birth of his daughter without getting supremely annoyed.
Along with all the emotional stuff, I would really like to know what's wrong with me. Now that I know better, I've decided that consulting with one of the best clinics in the country is probably the I'm 38, I'm not expecting much, but I want to know what my chances are so that we can make an informed decision once again. The difference from the decision we made to end treatments a few years ago is that the emotions aren't as high anymore. We made that decision when I was so deep into depression that I could barely function. I hated life and I was so angry that all I had been hearing was that all my tests looked great and there was no reason why I shouldn't be pregnant. No reason that is, except that I didn't get pregnant. This time, depression symptoms are under control, I can think clearly and objectively.
S is not so much into this path, especially after looking at the S.A.R.T data in my age group. It's different for men, and that has been clear here. He went through the grieving of a biological child, wrapped it up in his brain, and moved on. While he's as frustrated as I am that building our family is much more difficult than the traditional route, he's made peace, and he looks forward. He tells me often that my hindsight vision is way better than 20/20 and he wishes it wasn't that way. Now, I'm second guessing the decision to stop treatments when we did. Therapist keeps reminding me that at the time we made the decision, I wasn't in an emotional place to move forward, and that's ok. But, it doesn't feel ok, when your biological clock is a ticking time bomb. Based on my age, I've officially fallen off the fertility cliff and maybe all I need is to hear that from one of the best doctors so that I can finally put it all to bed. I don't even know how I feel about moving forward with IVF. There's the cost. There's the drugs. There's the injections. There's the hijacking of my system. There's the chance I'll have poor response. There's the chance I'll have ridiculously good response. There's the chance that it'll work on the first round. There's the chance we'll have to make a decision about leftover embryos. There's the chance that it won't work on multiple rounds. Am I ready for that?
Forget the medical stuff, am I ready to hear "I knew you'd get pregnant after adopting!"????