Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Updates All Around

So, we were able to connect with C, and have a visit, albeit a quick one.  The lack of communication was simply busyness with life.  So, my anxiousness over why we weren't hearing anything wasn't particularly helpful.  Part of the issue is a difference in how we schedule and communicate.  I schedule everything.  I like to know what I'm doing every weekend before the weekend shows up, even if it's a no-plan type of weekend.  It's an innate part of my personality, and I forget that not everyone is that organized.  In fact, most of the world is not, and it's something that I have to get over.  The other thing I have to get over is the guilt I may face someday when C wants to see X and we can't because we already planned to do something.  When I don't set boundaries am not available to the people I think I should be available too, I feel guilty when scheduling doesn't work out.  Never mind that I have to live my life and it isn't my fault that scheduling falls through now and again.  Somehow, I manage to make it my fault and beat myself up endlessly.

Time to change that.  Baby steps.

One way that I'm finally setting boundaries and limits is in the next adoption wait.  I am done fielding the phone calls from the agency, and during our homestudy update meeting, turned that responsibility over to S.  Now when they have a question about profiling us, he'll get the initial phone call and be able to decide whether he needs my input or if he can make the call himself.  Most of the time I think he'll ask me, since we tend to make decisions together, but at least I won't be getting the lunch time phone call that decimates the rest of my afternoon.  He can decimate his.  More likely, he'll compartmentalize and be able to continue working, something I wish I could do better.  Hopefully, the next phone call will be the one, but I needed to relinquish that control to stay sane no matter what happens next.  We also talked to our caseworker about how we feel about the next match.  Without question, there will be walls up, and I have a feeling it is going to be difficult to connect with someone during a pre-birth match.  We spent so much energy reassuring D, being supportive and understanding, only to have it all fall apart.  I can't see expending that much energy again.  So, our caseworker has instructions to bring up the failed match with prospective first parents and to let them know that we might seem distant until all papers are signed.  It's all we can do.

Baby X is still a pretty picky eater at home, and it goes in phases how picky he is at day care.  So, we'll just roll with it for now, offering a variety of foods plus the ones we know he'll eat.  Meh.  He's gaining weight, so I guess it's fine, plus he'll eat any fruit we put in front of him, so that's at least good.

Day 10 and Counting

You should do this!