Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Radio Silence

I don't often go two weeks or more without posting, but at this time I don't have much to say.  On Mother's Day I turned 40.  There were no placements in April so we're stalled out on the adoption front.  My workload is light (partly in anticipation of me going on leave) and that has been hellish as I arrive every day, sit down and wonder what the hell I'm going to do today.  Then, because I'm so light, and can't even seem to concentrate on the few tasks I have to do.  It's a weird conundrum I find myself in when this happens.  Any time I don't have enough to do, I lose it productivity-wise, and when I'm drowning in work I'm frustrated that I can't put enough time in to do as thorough a job as I want.  blah.

As far as turning 40.  Well, what the hell ever.

We've now reached our one year anniversary of our failed placement with Baby A.  Oh screw it, we named him Axton.  I loved that name and now we can't use it.  At this time last year we had met D and were waiting for him to arrive.  Enduring another failed placement in March and no movement in the pool in April has made me completely shut down.  More than once I've brought up dropping out and giving up on having another baby.  S isn't ready to do that, so we wait and dread the next phone call.  I'm currently existing in this really weird place of cursing the end of the day when we haven't gotten a phone call and fatalistically thinking it's never going to happen.  We are supposed to be nesting and getting everything ready for the day that the magical phone call comes, but I can't bring myself to bother.  The attic I said I was going to organize is just as bad or worse as it was in February.  Sure, we have all the stuff for baby, but all that stuff needs to be washed and organized after being stored in bins for so long.  Nope.  Not doing it.  Don't care. 

1 Year Ago Today at 7:00am

Closure = Triggers