Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

The Formal Presentation and Updates

The formal presentation was on June 30 (our 12th wedding anniversary :) ).  It went well, as expected.

The caseworker assigned to us is the former director of the agency and is being careful to make sure that everyone in the expectant mom's circle is agreeing with the plan to move forward with adoption.  It was refreshing the way she took charge, instructing the birthfamily counselor to have a cradle care family on-call at the time of the birth, because if there's any ambivalence on the part of anyone involved, we aren't taking the baby home. We can't take that kind of emotional risk again.  It made me wonder what went wrong with Axton's placement last year.  I shouldn't be comparing placements because they are totally different situations, but I can't help it.  The analytical, solving part of my brain is in overdrive to protect me emotionally.

I wish that pre-birth matching was not a thing.  I wish that adoptive families weren't brought into the equation, even if chosen early, until after the birth.  I think that there are too many emotions to work through immediately after the birth of a baby that one does not need more people involved.  When our caseworker asked about us being at the hospital for the birth, we both waffled.  Then decided we have to try not to compare cases (right, sure) and said we would be ok with being there.  When our caseworker asked if we would want to be in the delivery room, it was a resounding "NO".  I know people do it, but....yuck. 

We got an update and more information about potential birthfather today.  I see two yellow flags flapping vigorously:  1) Someone in her family is dealing with fertility issues and is thinking about adoption.  I wonder what's up with that  2) Potential birthfather has not sent back social/medical history after verbally agreeing to the adoption plan.  He's out of state and was responsive to the counselor until recently.  Ugh.

I think about this match in the most abstract sense most of the time.  It's relieved some stress in that I'm not sitting at work every day waiting for the phone to ring, but when S called me to read the update e-mail, my first thought was, "it already fell through".  Maybe I'll feel better when we meet the expectant mom next week.


3rd Time's the Charm?