Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

2nd Meeting...Not so Good?

We met with J (expectant mom) again tonight.  This meeting was to get together with our kids and let them play together, meet them, etc.  X and I got there late because of traffic (and J was waaaay early).  S was a few minutes before X and I, so I walked into a room with 2 boys running around and everyone just sitting around watching them.  Ok, I can handle that, just add my boy to the mix and we'll watch them for an hour.

Because that's what happens when 3 boys under the age of 6 get together.  Chaos.  Loud, throwing stuff, feeding off each other chaos.

I felt uncomfortable, for sure, because we couldn't really talk, and I was distracted by X shoveling goldfish into his face faster than he can chew them, plus my own grumbling stomach.  J looked exhausted and didn't seem up to much conversation herself.  Instead of the non-stop conversation we enjoyed at the first meeting, we just had a couple of short conversations.  I asked J a few questions about how she's doing, how her appointments are going, etc. and left it at that.  I did ask her how she's feeling about her decision to place, and she answered that she's still feeling good with the decision.  She wants her caseworker to go with her to a midwife appointment so that her midwife has a clear picture of J's hospital plan.  Important to note here, S didn't have any questions for her.

After she and her boys left, shit hit the fan.

I thought everything had gone as well as it could have given the 3 boys running around, and basically I didn't expect anything of substance out of this meeting other than to just get together to meet the kids.  Apparently, our caseworker thought I was supposed to act differently.  Caseworker said I looked like I wanted to be anywhere but in that room.  That's not how I felt.  I admitted to Caseworker that I feel shut down emotionally right now, because it's just too uncertain.  I don't know how to feel at this moment.  In trying to explain myself, I probably revealed too much about my therapy, how it lead me to the problems with my mom and how that's been affecting me over the last 6 months.  I don't know what the hell that has to do with anything in this situation, other than it shows that I've been up to my eyeballs in shit on top of 2 failed matches.

The problem I have with this whole exchange between me and Caseworker is that she seemed to think that I should feel or act differently.  That I should show joy in this match and expectation of the baby coming.  This isn't my baby, not yet.  In the hospital, if everything goes according to plan, I will feel more like this is my baby, but I've now had two babies literally dangled in front of me like fucking carrots and then yanked away a few days later.  I am not able to forget that.  I am also not able to pretend like that didn't happen!

Caseworker got irritated with me when I stated that I think J needs to really look at her options and needs to make her decision regardless of me and S.  Caseworker insisted that some parents can't just make the decision to place and send their babies into a void.  That these parents need to connect with the adoptive family to know that they are making the right decision.  Really?  Because, I see a woman in front of me who could parent if she had the proper support.  That's where we are breaking down in communication, Caseworker and I.  I've been reading too many family preservation type blogs, and Caseworker is in the business of adoption.  What I know of J, this may be the best option for her considering her situation at the moment and obviously, I want another baby.  I just really really want for her to have considered all her avenues, and I'm not sure she has.  She seems to have set herself on this path without any looking back, or left or right.  Based on some things she's said, I have to wonder if she's really working through the emotional part, and what will happen when the baby is here?

I left the meeting completely pissed off at Caseworker and frustrated that she didn't seem to have my best interests at heart.  Since S and I drove separately, he ended up in the parking lot longer than me and X and ran into Caseworker as he was leaving.  I guess she apologized for upsetting me, and S told her that he's not worried about me.  Go S!

After all, I am the one who has been shopping for baby things, even though we are going to have 2 boys and we have all the stuff.  But, you know, this baby should have some stuff to call his own.  I am the one who has been looking at names more than S (a lot more, and we can't seem to agree).

I'm still shut down emotionally.  I'm still protecting myself.  I should be protecting myself. That's how I will get through this. Besides, if I'm not supposed to be telling the world that we're expecting a baby in a few weeks, then I have to be shut down.  I can't go blabbing all over work like the pregnant ladies in the office for crying out loud.  This could still fail.

This isn't my baby until the TPR papers are signed.

A good piece of information today was that the father has an appointment with the process server tomorrow to sign his TPR papers.  So, there's that.

3.5 weeks to expected due date.  3.5 weeks of limbo.  3.5 weeks of wondering if this is our baby.


Meeting for the First Time