I have a few words of wisdom to impart to anyone who has a loved one going through a situation similar to ours that I would like to share:
- This is about the prospective adoptive parents, not you
- When you ask how's it going, and your daughter says "Not good", the appropriate response is something along the lines of "I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It must be really hard." Not, "Hey X said the funniest thing when we went out to dinner with you on Sunday!". Why thanks Dad, I now feel invalidated. And gee, thanks Mom for that "I can't imagine" mumbled before prattling off some unimportant piece of information.
- Call, don't text. And for God's sake, don't send a text that says "Call me when you get a chance". Especially when it's about coordinating care for your loved ones dog/cat/older child when the phone call to drop everything and get to the hospital eventually comes.
- When a prospective adoptive parent shares the news of a match and tells you to keep it quiet because who knows if it'll actually be successful. Keep. it. quiet. Now, I know no harm, no foul when my mom told one of my brothers who already knew about the match, but she did it thinking she would be the one to break the news to him. Because she likes to control the communication within the family.
- Don't get all sanctimonious when the prospective adoptive parents insist that they will be the ones to share whatever news (good or bad) comes of the match. If someone feels they need to tell you multiple times to keep your mouth shut, then maybe you need to take a look at your own past behavior that may have prompted multiple prompts. Even if you haven't done anything wrong in the past, if the prospective adoptive parents ask you to keep it quiet multiple times...well...see No. 1.
- Informing your daughter in her time of highest stress (ever) that you need to talk, and we never talk anymore is not going to get you anywhere. Besides, see No. 2.