We lost that secret race last week. While I was trying to work out massive amounts of anxiety by riding my bike up a mountain, my cousin was hiking a trail nearby trying to jump-start labor. While I was having mini-breakdowns every couple of days, my cousin was getting multiple posts on her F-B wall asking if she had the baby yet. While I was telling myself it was ok to have a couple beers or glasses of wine every single night, she was in her mid-wife's office arguing against being induced.
I found out that her baby had been born by (what else?) a text from my mother. I also found out that she had a c-section and the baby had some issues (long labor) and had to go to the NICU. All of which, may have been better as a phone conversation? Oh, right. She doesn't actually want to have a conversation.
I had a brief reprieve for a few days last week when I allowed myself to hope that this match is for real and will go smoothly. I think that came after our update last Tuesday when it was re-iterated that J wants us at the hospital ready to take care of baby right after his birth. I let myself get excited, and I packed the baby bag, my clothes and got X's suitcase partially packed. I found a sub for my Sunday class because S and I were so sure that she would give birth over the weekend.
The weekend came and went without a phone call. Monday, I woke up all kinds of pissed off that I had to go to work. It was a bad day and all the bad thoughts took up residence. You know the ones if you've been in this position: "
- She's going to decide to parent, we'll get a phone call telling us that the match is off,
- She decided she doesn't want us to raise her baby and chose someone else,
- She's AWOL and not communicating with her caseworker
Getting any work done is next to impossible, and a task that I easily should've been able to put to finish last week is getting dragged out despite the full knowledge that the phone call could come at any time. Other tasks that I need to be starting are falling by the wayside, and some of those have September deadlines on them that can't be missed. Yet, here I sit, staring blankly into space, checking my e-mail every 5 minutes, reading news sites, and doing anything that doesn't require actual brain power.