Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Dread is Back

Two days past J's expected due date.

No updates.

Called the agency at 9:30am this morning.  It's 11:20am and I haven't gotten a call back yet.

The bad thoughts are back. What if?

What if she decided to parent. She's stable and I doubt social services would become involved. She could've had the baby over the weekend and already be back at home.

What if her brother's wife had a m/c and they all decided to make an adoption plan?  This is the one that keeps clawing back into my consciousness. Her brother and his wife had been working with an adoption agency then decided to try IVF. Chances are they have a homestudy completed. When we met J for the first time, she said the pregnancy was early. Something could have happened in the last couple of weeks. Stranger things have happened.

Neither of these things if they happened are directly connected to us. We have no ownership or right to interfere in any decision making at this point.

We sit nervously at work trying to complete tasks and failing. We keep our phones nearby. We wake up multiple times a night and check our phone in case we slept through a phone call (not likely). We don't put X back to bed when he comes crawling in at 11:30pm (earlier and earlier it seems, it used to be 2am). We can barely keep it together.

Our feelings are collateral damage. J should not take any of this into account should she be changing her mind. She won't. We have no ties and are literally ships passing in the night. The only connection we may have is if she ultimately decides to place with us. We have no way of knowing if that changed within the last week.

We wait. We worry. We try not to fall apart. It will either work out for us in the end, or it won't.

Limbo is the worst and I'm not an optimistic person. It's worse now because we've been through two failed matches, one pre-birth, and one post-birth. I keep thinking that pre-birth matching needs to be stopped. It's not fair to anyone, and speaking from the adoptive parent perspective, it's really not fair to us. We get our hopes up and we put our lives on hold waiting for theoretical baby to be born. At the end of this, I will have subbed out all of my Jazz.ercise classes for a month while we waited for the phone call. Because we are told we must drop everything the second the phone rings. Because we are told we shouldn't tell anyone what's going on until it's a done deal, I'm sending vague "family emergency" e-mails trying to get my classes covered. I finally told the owner of the center so that she doesn't think I'm just blowing off all my classes, but it doesn't help that for 2 Sundays in a row, I totally could have taught my class. For some reason, that pisses me off. The longer theoretical baby waits to make his appearance, the more my engineer-work life gets f-cked up. It's fine if it all works out for us in the end. Then who cares? We just reschedule some stuff and everyone is happy for me. It's not fine if I've done all this f-cking hoop jumping and giving up projects only to be told that this isn't my baby.

If this fails, it will be the third time I've put my life on hold for a baby who isn't mine. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to go for a fourth round.

It's Not All Bad

Dealing with Family