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Hi, I’m Geochick.

Welcome to my blog. What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy and spiritual awakening. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

A Gift in an Ugly Package

I wrote this several months ago, and didn't publish it for some reason. It gives some insight into how I've been dealing with the family stuff.
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For two years straight I attended therapy.  Once a week or every two weeks, occasionally once a month.  I didn't think it was going to take two years when I walked into Therapist's office asa new mom struggling to figure out why everything was so hard a year into parenting.  I figured that I just was having trouble with the adjustment into parenthood having gotten past the first year of survival mode and major transitions.  Settling down into the routine of parenting X, instead of feeling calming, made me crazy.  Vacations weren't that fun.  My brother's wedding was not fun.  A weekend away with S at my friend's wedding wasn't fun.  I started getting irritated and short with people at work, to the point of actually getting in trouble over one incident because the much older guy was so offended by my putting him in his place that he threatened to lodge a formal complaint against me to the Civil Rights/EEO office.  Things would either briefly ok,  then I would sink into a funk blaming myself for everything that was going wrong.  A friendship imploded prior to walking through that door, and I struggled to recognize that it wasn't my fault.  The only constant positive influences in my life were S and X.  S tried to be there for me as I raged and sunk lower, and was happy when I managed to get my head above water for brief periods of time. I was drowning.

Part 1:  Figuring Out it's Clinical Depression
While Therapist is not a psychiatrist, and I didn't see a psychiatrist, she is gifted in ferreting out the root of the problem.  Four or five visits with her turned into a suggestion that I go on medication.  It was a suggestion with a little push.  I demurred for a couple weeks, then realized that I wanted to get this all sorted out more than I wanted to avoid medication.  Since then I've been on a half dose of cele.xa, and whether it's placebo effect, homoeopathic effects, or literally the amount I need, I've noticed my mood swings have dramatically smoothed out.  I get low, and G-d knows I've been through the wringer over the last year emotionally, but I haven't bottomed out like I used to.

Part 2:  Rebuild My Ego Strength
I had some self-esteem, that's how I was able to manage to make myself successful.  I had enough self-esteem to recognize one long-term boyfriend was a cad, and maybe that guy I didn't think was too exciting at first should be given a chance (good thing, because that was S).  There was enough there that I made good choices and could stand up for myself when needed.  But not all the time.  I never saw myself as a kind/good/successful person.  I saw myself as constantly failing to live up to my so-called potential.  I'm not a workaholic by any means.  I treasure my play-time/down-time/bad tv watching time way more than I want to climb the ladder.  But, I constantly beat myself up over not being engaged enough at my job.  What I had to realize during this part of my therapy was that I am engaged enough at my job.  Despite the kerfuffle with one person in my office, I've done nothing but get better performance reviews throughout the last several years and managed to get myself promoted in the middle of the sh*tstorm that is building my family.  All while being depressed and fighting through some serious emotional issues.  The one area I didn't feel shaky in was parenting.  It really seems odd if you think about it, because not being able to juggle all the facets of my life was what drove me to therapy.  It was really everything surrounding parenting, not the actual parenting that was becoming magnified. 

This part of my therapy dragged on a bit longer than it probably needed to because while I was working through all this stuff several setbacks occurred.  My therapist got pregnant and took maternity leave.  It wasn't long, but I had several weeks without an appointment.  I could've seen someone else, but I didn't really want to discuss my issues with someone who didn't know me, and I did pretty good during that time anyway.  My relationship with my parents tanked.  I had several fights with my parents that seemingly came out of nowhere and learned that I can't rely on my own mother to take my side or be empathetic when I'm going through a tough time.  The match with Baby A failed and we had to turn him over to cradle care three days after taking him home.  Despite all these setbacks, I finally got the point where I was ready to address the root of all my emotional problems.

Part 3: Addressing said emotional problems - I totally identify as an Imposter and have read a few books that have helped me identify some childhood crap that affected how I act now.

Consider:

  • I was in the top 10% of my high school graduating class, but felt it wasn't good enough.
  • I graduated from one of the most difficult engineering schools in the country. But my GPA fell just short of 3.0.  I must not be a good engineer.
  •  I got my master's degree while working full time.  I was pissed that I didn't get straight A's and I "only" worked 40-50 hours per week.  I must not be a good engineer or student.
  •  I have never read the final copy of my master's thesis.  I'm embarrassed by it.
  • It took me 4 tries to pass the Fundamentals of Engineering Exam.  I felt like an abject failure after each one.  There was relief when I finally passed, but it wasn't much.
  • I passed the Professional Engineering Exam on the first try.  In my mind, that meant it must have been "easy".  Forget the months of studying and review classes I took.
  •  I live in constant fear of my supervisor figuring out how much I've been slacking lately.  Except that I'm actively moving projects forward and generally doing a good job.  It's OK to not be on my A game right now.  But, I don't give myself that kind of leeway. 

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I've increased my cele.xa dose to the prescribed dose and so far am keeping reflux under control with pri.losec. That seems to be the worst side-effect I get besides this apparent weight gain that appeared over the last several months that isn't coming off despite the renewed dedication to MFP. Since I increased it just over a week ago, I'm not sure how much it's helping at this point, but I hope that it'll help me get through the holiday season and then I may consider finding another therapist. My therapist moved out of the country, but she chose one for me based on my family dynamic, so hopefully it's a good match. 

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Why is all of this a gift? Well, I guess it's because I've become more self-actualized and sought help to become a better version of myself. I know what I don't want for my own family, and I know what I don't want for myself.  




 

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