Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Love/Hate (no really, it's Hate) Relationship with my Reproductive System

I've blogged about this before, but as I'm currently on day #2 of WHAT THE FUCK ARE MY OVARIES DOING??? I feel the need to rant.

You know what I really can't stand about aging? Besides the 75% gray hair (but you can't tell, because I spend a ridiculous amount of money on my hair and nope, that's not getting slashed by the budget crisis), I can't stand that my body has decided that NOW is the time to remind me that my ovaries function just fine thankyouverymuch.

It's never been ovulation that was the problem. There has to be something else going on like my eggs suck or they hate S's sperm.

Anyway, when in the thick of trying and failing to get pregnant, I didn't have super obvious signs of ovulation. I noticed a twinge here and there when an egg was about to pop, and that was about it. There were other signs, but really, I don't need to get into those, if you've been there, you know what I'm talking about and have probably found yourself in the same position in a bathroom at work/home/the mall/a party trying to figure out exactly how fertile am I right now?

Now that I'm 40 and things are um...changing, my body has decided that the best idea EVER is to remind me that I'm ovulating every damn month right on schedule, I tend to be decidedly uncomfortable twice a month. Once for that pesky egg-popping, and one for that pesky lining-shedding, because whoneedsitanyway.

I've also noticed that my cycles are beginning to vary a bit. Now, I'm the regular 28-day'er. Always have been until the last year or so. These days it's more like 26-27, an occasional 25 thrown in just for good measure. And yes, I'm still tracking. I've done it for so long that I can't stop the madness.

I've somewhat adapted to the new cycles, which have this ebb and flow thing to them. Sometimes the mid-cycle pain is un-fucking-believable and I rupture a cyst sending me into agony for a short period of time. Sometimes I hardly notice it. Sometimes the beginning cycle cramps are ho-hum, don't even need ibuprofen, and sometimes I want to punch everyone and everything because it sucks so bad. Sometimes I get gastro-intenstinal issues to go along with the fun and sometimes I don't.

What's so weird, is that I had some really horrific cycles pre-birth control pills. Waking up in the middle of the night sweating, barely able to function the next day kind of pain. Not all the time, just a few memorable times. Then I went on bcps, and everything seemed to go away. Since I've been off of the bcps (9 years now? I lose count), I haven't had the same level of pain with my cycles. So, yay, I guess.

Now, though, it gets more fun occasionally. I'm continuing the weirdness of sometimes it's a meh month and sometimes it's a whatinthefuckinghellisgoingondownthere kind of month. Currently I'm in the latter. Two days of bloating, heaviness, mild cramping all twingy-like in the ovarian area. It's like my body has realized it's old, kicked into high gear and needs to pop all the remaining eggs at once.

Do I really need to be reminded that this part of my body works?

Cycles like these, I really wish there was a way to turn it all off without summoning menopause. 'Cause I would totally do it.

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