Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

#MicroblogMondays - Aging

S's grandmother is very sick. She has dementia and has been steadily getting worse for years. This year has been awful, finally resulting in a hospital stay then transfer into a nursing facility. Throughout, I've found myself judgemental, and I don't know how to turn it off. Several years ago when his grandfather had his license taken away due to macular degeneration, I wondered why S's parents didn't start pushing them to move to assisted living. As S's grandmother declined, I kept wondering out loud to him why they wouldn't really make the argument. When she went to the hospital and landed in the worst nursing facility in town, I triumphantly told S, "see, this is what happens when there is no plan!" She finally got moved to a better facility, and that's a good thing, but it's too late. She stopped eating and drinking last week. We visited on Sunday and it's clear that the end is near.

In situations where emotions run high, I turn to what can be controlled. I also don't have the attachment to a dwelling that others have. When I get older, I want there to be a plan and I don't want my kids to have to go through what S's parents have been through. I don't want to go through what S's parents have been through, so we have been making it clear to both sides that they better get a plan. We are in our 40's with very young kids. Our kids will still be dependent on us when our parents need more care. We won't be capable of juggling what S's dad has juggled over the past several years. Living in state guarantees that I will be the one to take care of my parents as awkward as that will be.
I'll admit it. I'm selfish.
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