Every. Single. Week.
At Dr. D's suggestion, I thought about how to tell my mom that I would really like it if she checked in with me and my family before launching into her stories.
At this moment, I can't figure out how to do it. My interactions with her have reached a certain toxicity to where I can't seem to let go of the fuming anger I feel every time I have to talk to her. I feel like I've already tried to get through to her, but she never hears me, and what's the point of asking?
I recently had the opportunity to do just that. To stop her and say, "You know mom, I would really like it if you checked in with me before telling me what's going on with everyone else".
I didn't do it. Then the typical pattern emerged. After a while, I finally blurted out that we are currently dealing with thousands of dollars worth of damage to our house because of 2 major hailstorms. The roof is trashed, our awnings have holes in them, the fence is damaged. It's covered by insurance, but still, it's a pain. We have a check to get the work started, except that we have to send said check to two different banks (mortgage and home equity loan) to get it endorsed so that we can actually start. Bureaucratic nightmare, IMO. Not to mention that the flooding isn't covered by insurance so we just have to put up with a carpet remnant covering the floor until next year when hopefully we have enough money to do the work. Or maybe it'll be two years from now, who knows.
This is her reaction, "Oh my God, I had no idea!!!!"
No shit. Cause YOU NEVER ASK HOW MY LIFE IS.
And I react sarcastically, "Well, of course not, because you never asked".
And the cycle continues....
I understand now why people break with their parents. I hate this cycle. I hate feeling like a petulant little kid. I hate that she never asks me what I'm up to, that if I didn't say anything in our interactions that it would never occur to her that she doesn't know anything about my life.
I also hate that I'm starting to feel judged by Dr. D. I can't tell if that's because I'm so ashamed that I can't even try to start fixing this relationship to some degree, or if I'm really frustrated that she isn't validating how I feel about things. She still won't agree that my mom is a narcis.sist. I'm pretty damn sure she is. But I guess I'm not the one with a PhD and years of experience, so I must be wrong.
p.s. everytime I wonder if I should go public, I realize that then I would never be able to write like this and feel comfortable. I think I like my anonymous space.