In the throes of a really sh*tty week, I wrote this post . All of it is true, that's how my brain works. Going to therapy helps, but I think I had a setback when my therapist left, we adopted Baby Z, and life got in the way of recovery. I stuffed it all down, adjusted to life with 2 little kids, and now that there's a family routine of sorts, it's all come roaring back to bite me in the ass.
Dr. D had an interesting observation at our last session. She was surprised that I came back after a couple of our first sessions. Guess my walls were up. Way way up. And that's the crux of the problem. The shield of protection from being vulnerable is anger. My previous therapist had brought that up, and I was working on it by reframing, but I supposed that with everything else that happened, I stopped paying attention and my reframing practice went to sh*t.
As I think about what triggers shame for me, two things that aren't triggers stand out: 1) My relationship with S, and 2) My parenting. I trust S, and because I trust him, there's no wall, there's no waiting for the other shoe to drop. I trust my parenting, I guess, because I never feel defensive about it. With every other relationship though, my parents, my brothers, coworkers, I am constantly scared of doing the wrong thing. So I put up the wall. What I show to the world, is not really who I am.
Changing that is going to be really hard.