Hi, I’m Tara.

What started out as a private blog to document our adoption journey has evolved into my journey through therapy, spiritual awakening and whatever I feel like writing. Without our struggles to build a family, I’m not sure I’d be waking up, and for that I’m grateful.

Can't Find Positive Anywhere

I'll be honest with you, it has been one hell of a shitstorm in my world lately. With the looming start of kindergarten, there has been a few issues of being anxious and scared that have manifested in less than desirable behaviors. (putting it lightly) That's been a stressor for several weeks, and we know that putting X in an immersion school is going to lead to more less than desirable behavior due to exhaustion and stress put on him to learn a new language. It shouldn't last more than a few months, but, there may not be enough wine to get me through it. ha.

S started a new job - that's positive, but it's still stressful, you know? This has a much shorter commute (5 miles vs. 20) and will be a good move for him. The issue? Much like me, he's moved into the project management world meaning that like me, he'll be on-demand a hell of a lot more than he used to be, and like me, he's an introvert. It's a major shift. (p.s. My job is still exhausting, so yay, two exhausted parents!)

I've had some major shit go down surrounding my teaching Jazzer.cise, and I am questioning why I'm still teaching. In one of my classes, a group of women meangirled me, talked behind my back, and my class numbers plummeted. Yeah, 50-60 year old women still pull that. See, they want their favorite instructor in that teaching slot, so, I quit, and she's taking over. Yay for them!!!!! While the center owner is trying to pump me up by telling me how much other students love my classes, I'm wondering why the hell I'm still in a hobby that causes me a whole lot of mental stress. It's never been easy for me, and 13 years later, I'm still going through major downswings and ego hurt periodically. I guess I still think that I can change people's minds by teaching a hard, kickass class really well? Seems like it's not working because I'm reserved and probably seem standoffish and snobby and whatever other negative adjective you can come up with for an introvert.

I have so much travel coming up that it's kind of scary. At least it gave me an excuse to finally buy some new luggage, but I'm totally stressing out over a commuting/travel laptop bag. I have an old EMS backpack. I don't really like it, but it's in practically new condition. Seriously, they had good stuff - I've had it for more than 10 years! Anyway, I keep spending tons of time looking around for a new backpack or tote and can't make up my mind. Drives me insane. I even had buyers remorse when I bought the luggage and we really needed it! ugh.

I keep screaming at my kids. I hate admitting that. I grew up with a screaming parent and I'm so against it because it's abusive and yet, I still lose it (lately more than usual because they are both being difficult). Over and over I explain after the explosion that it's my fault, not theirs and I have to control my temper better and I'm not good at it but I'm trying....*sigh* I wish Love and Logic worked like it sounds in the book - it doesn't really work that well in my practice anyway. The only thing that makes it feel not so horrible is that I am open with X, especially, and he is comfortable telling me that he's upset with me and why (same with S). I didn't have that piece growing up at all, and we're careful to make consequences reasonable, not disproportionate. I wish I could control my fucking temper, most times I do ok, but when I'm under other major stress, I lose it constantly with everyone and everything.

So....there's the update. Life sucks.


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