There's some therapy happening around here that is outside of my usual therapy. I'm not going to talk about it on my blog because it's not my therapy per se. However, what I can talk about are insights I'm gaining in how I was raised and how I stuff emotions because I wasn't allowed to express hard emotions growing up. A quote I heard today was "Emotions need to get out somehow".
As I sit here with super tight neck and upper back muscles that haven't responded to active release therapy, I'm thinking it's something more. This may not happen so regularly, I may not be so tense in general if I knew how to release emotions.
I like to say that my default emotion is anger, but that's not a primary emotion as it turns out. My default emotion is shame and I use anger as a cover. I've identified major shame spirals that I find myself in from time to time. What I'm wondering now is if my entire existence is one small shame spiral after another leading to stress and tension that several times a year results in massive knots. The kinds of knots that wake me up at night as I try to change position, and that leave me in constant pain for a couple weeks until they finally work themselves out with the help of various modalities.
Thoughts like these are leading me to the shoulds. Should go to yoga more, should try meditation, should break out the coloring book S gifted me. The shoulds build up more tension. The cycle repeats.