I had this whole post written previously and then hit some random button that deleted the whole block. Awesome. That about sums up how things are going right now. Although, until a few days ago, I thought I was feeling better and now that I've been at a full dose instead of a half dose of my meds that was taking the edge off. But....really....probably not. Sometimes that stuff is smoke and mirrors and things happen indicating that I'm not well all things considered. I think this is more anxiety than depression because I have energy, I'm doing my normal routine stuff and enjoying activities. I feel like I'm in high alert much of the time though...so...anxiety. Case in point, on my travels, I had a couple of eff-it nights, once by myself and once with colleagues. I drank too much and gave myself a hangover. And, if I'm totally honest, having a slight hangover on the weekends has been a somewhat regular occurrence over the past few weeks. Not doing well = coping.
A few updates to put this all in perspective from my last post:
I traveled two weeks in a row - one shorter trip and one long trip that got longer when my flight back was delayed by 3 hours and I luckily managed to get on a flight that left a mere 2 hours after my regularly scheduled flight. That was a bummer.
I called my uncle and had a good talk with him. There is definite dysfunction in my bio-family and two of the four brothers passed away from alcoholism (my bio-dad passed away in 2005). I learned a little bit more about bio-dad and the family, and probably the most jarring was being told that I look like my paternal grandmother. Also that my middle name was her first name. Not sure if my mom ever told me that. I have the number of the other brother, uncle J and it seems that he and Uncle B don't communicate very much. In fact, it sounds like Uncle J's wife has been the searcher for me and my brother. She's the one who found my F-B page.
My gym is having a challenge and I'm pushing myself harder physically than is typical. It's awesome feeling stronger and noticing that I'm building muscle. In fact, it's kind of been a life-saver keeping me from going too far down the rabbit hole and giving me a concrete goal to work towards. That being said, I've now been moved to tears while working out. Guess there is a lot of crap surfacing.
The Integrative Pain PT seems to be helping. My second appointment showed less screwed up muscles than the first. It's hard to explain how it works because it's all neurological based and they do tapping and probing of areas of the body to make the nerves fire correctly. It all feels like voodoo, but then again, I'm pushing myself hardcore in the gym and have yet to backslide into pain. The stretch has had a lot to do with that too, it's been two weeks since my last one and I'm noticing that I don't have to treat as many trigger points with the handy dandy lacrosse ball.
X's and Z's behaviors are going downhill probably due to developmental leaps on Z's part at 2.5 and X's looming end of kindergarten and birthday all around the same time. Awesome. We're doing as well as we can, but the yelling has increased and neither S nor I are being great about using better discipline techniques. That's just an on-going journey through therapy and overcoming our instincts. Ugh.
And...now for the big news.....
We're buying a house.
We weren't planning on buying a house yet.
Here we are, 2 months out from closing, frantically moving up the landscaper, finding a carpet installer and addressing all the little shit we've been putting off forever. How does this happen, you ask? Or maybe you don't, because it does happen, much like infertility. In our case, it's analogous to the couples who think that it may take a while to get pregnant and then *bam* pregnant on the first month.
The rest of the story is that we have been coming around to the idea that this neighborhood is not ideal for our family. We looked at the NY Times Race Map, and our neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods are 90-96% white. Also, it's a pain in the ass to get to X's and eventually Z's school even though it's only 3.5 miles from our house. From our current location, it can easily take 20 minutes in typical traffic and more in heavy traffic because of the number of major congested intersections we need to get through. After talking it over we decided to start looking around at neighborhoods around the school and while they are still 80% white, they are adjacent to more diversity overall. There's a higher percentage of high density apartment and condo housing and all the shopping areas in those parts are more diverse.
Well, S found a listing of a house that piqued his interest and that I brushed off because it was further away from the school than I wanted to be (but an easier 10 min drive compared to our nightmare 20 min drive). It was also more than we wanted to pay as we'd like to make a lateral move financially, not take on a bigger mortgage 20 years out from retirement. Then, the price dropped to our range, and S called me while I was traveling to say he thought we should get a Realtor and look at it over the weekend. I was surprised because I have never seen S get excited about a house. When we looked at this house we are in now, I was the one who pushed putting in an offer, he was still on the fence. This was totally different. He was excited to see it, and I was the one thinking that we'd see it and realize that we'll be able to find something similar when we are ready. Obviously that didn't happen. I took one step into the house and it took my breath away. This is the closest I could get to a dream house without designing it myself. I'm excited to decorate it, and even more excited that the loan will be the same as ours now for a house and yard that are literally twice the size and three times as nice. Best of all, I told X's therapist about the house location and she approves of our choice for X and our family overall! There you go, a little more stress for the summer....