I had a visit with my brother and his family that went horribly wrong. L and I got into a huge fight when I pointed out that using a sugar skull image in his band's promotion is cultural appropriation. The short version, it degenerated into me trying to browbeat him into submission and him throwing in my face that I've never lived anywhere where race is an issue. (he lived in Atlanta, North Carolina and Arkansas)
The fight doesn't really matter, what matters is how he was a fucking asshole about me reading books written by POC, listening to podcasts about race but HE one time stood up for a black man. Said black man a) didn't know L was standing up for him and b) had already been fired from the job. When that example was thrown at me in a holier than thou attitude I lost my fucking mind.
My brother is the typical white liberal privileged male. He didn't know what cultural appropriation is and he stated that in standing up for this guy, he did the right thing and it was so scary but at least he did it. And then he proceeded to throw in my face that I don't have POC who are friends and I live in a less than diverse city. Although, it's was more diverse than any goddamn rural town in the PNW.
We didn't resolve it before going to bed and in the morning when I was getting to leave I apologized for how I said things but not for what I said. It wasn't productive and I own that. But I still think he thinks he's above reproach and that makes me crazy. He can't see that in referring to one part of his town as the "south side" is creating bias in his daughters for instance and he insists he doesn't have internal biases because he has had POC who are friends and talked to them about racism.
The brief interlude this morning ended in yet another shouting match and I won't be visiting them anymore when I travel to his neck of the woods. He accused me of being too angry and treating our parents poorly. He told me I can't have meaningful relationships and I'm superficial.
Now I'm left wondering if I'm the toxic person in all this and if I were just different somehow these things wouldn't happen. It's my childhood all over again.