Recently, SG crossed a line and triggered me in a bad way. The boundaries between me and him have been fuzzy ever since I broke down and have been a source of stress as I tried to figure out the line between being vulnerable and protecting myself. He would suggest different avenues for me to check out and I would dutifully say ok then go home, dive down professor Google and decide x, y, z are not for me. Then I wouldn't bring it up again. Well, maybe once I resisted, but mostly I'd just think, naw, that's for him, not me. The latest episode came when I was at a conference and we had been exchanging some e-mails around the network chiropractic care I agreed to try at his (strong) suggestion. In a reply, he invited me to a graduation of sorts from a workshop/retreat thing he did. He used all the words that make me squirm, "transformational, powerful, incredible" and I felt like I was punched in the gut. I fell down a black hole of wondering why I ever started trusting him and thinking it may be time to fire him. It felt like he was trying to recruit me.
I started a draft e-mail that was scathing and full of hurt. I deleted it. I breathed. I gave myself time to process and then drafted another response that simply said I appreciated he thought of me, but it was not my thing. Then, I asked if he could meet me outside of his office.
When we met at the coffee shop several days later, I had time to process my reaction to his invitation, I wrote out things that helped me identify where the trigger was (feeling like someone was telling me they know better what I need than I do), and how it tied to shame in some areas. I had contemplated starting out by pulling out my newly acquired Color Energies wheel and pointing out where I fall then asking him why the hell he'd think I'd be even remotely interested in sitting around with a bunch of people talking about feelings of all things. Eventually I decided against that opening, but had the printout in case I had to browbeat him into acknowledging that no I would not be open to beating a goddamn drum in the woods or sitting around waiting to be transformed as someone talks at me about awareness. (I'm judging, I know). With my mind still focused on what. the. actual. fuck. I decided to go with a different tack.
I told him how I feel.
I told him he's pushing my boundaries and I don't like it.
And then we had a really good and open conversation. And I felt lighter the whole rest of the day. And I have an appointment with him today. I don't feel anxious. I don't feel nervous. This will be the first time I've walked into his office without anxiety following me.
I think I trust him.