I put up a boundary with SG and now it seems that has allowed me to soften into a comfortable sharing state with him. Funny how boundaries do that isn't it? Today, my emotional scale is more like a 5 than bouncing between want to go back to bed and sitting in a fog. I'm functional, feeling sadness and some release. I saw him this morning, partly because my right leg is seriously bothering me, and partly because yesterday morning I realized I need some support after the weekend I had interacting with my parents and all the shit that has surfaced because of that.
Walking into his office, the old nervousness was back. The clenching of my stomach and shaking. Once I was in his office and talking to him though, I felt safe to let it go. I felt sad and started crying as we were talking practically as soon as I got on the table. I've been so shut down for several weeks that a breakdown was inevitable I guess, and the trigger was interacting with my parents. I can't even get through a drop-off and pick up without being triggered in a bad way. It's like I still can't accept the way they are and I'm so sad and angry that it's this way.
We talked, I cried for the first 1/2 hour and slowly started feeling better. There was a lot of sharing on both sides and it's funny to me now how I used snap-judgement on him so many months ago when he started probing. Every time he says something that resonates with me, I'm - shocked isn't the word anymore, more like comforted. I know there's lots of people out there with similar stories and experiences, but again, I've been so shut down to expressing any of it to anyone except S that I've missed opportunities to connect. I'm slowly (snails pace) learning to express myself and ask for what I need and set boundaries. It was such an emotional appointment, the tears started flowing again at the end and he gave me a tight hug telling me not to give up.
The shifts are coming fast and furious now. The tears feel cleansing instead of a dam burst (had to :p). My back isn't as tight as it used to be. SG made it a point to say he's noticed a shift in the last several weeks in me, that I'm talking more and flowing more and expressing myself and my needs more.
It's exhausting and I need to move through it to get to the other side. Working when this happens is rough. Thankfully it's a slow week and I can focus on some tasks that have needed to get done that don't require interaction with others.