Updating My Emotional Rating System Among Other Things

After riding the roller coaster of depression, anxiety and feeling ok for a few weeks, I decided I need an updated system. There’s been many challenges and an episode where I’ve made a big decision and rode out the emotional ramifications. 

The big news is that I quit my gym. I loved that place for almost a year, and then coaches left, people left, the program changed. I hung in there for several months willing them to turn around, but after they hired the wrong people to be coaches and morale didn’t improve, I started to wonder. I also witnessed Stretch Guy trying to come back to the gym after several months gone and it didn’t stick. He was one of the longtime clients who left and it was weird to me because he initially built his clientele from the gym. And, when I asked him about why he left, he seemed to be dancing around the real reason. I didn’t ask more because I was still going and trying to figure out if I should stay or not, but wanted to make my own decision. So, I had a couple incidents and finally pulled the plug when I realized I was being triggered because I felt I was being ignored by the gym owners. They pledge it’s a community and they want to help make you the best athlete you can be, but when I reached out, I wasn’t met with that kind of support. I also had a confrontation with one of the owners and realized he has no clue how to treat someone who’s paying him a significant chunk of money. So, that was it.  I forfeited 2 weeks and quit in the middle of the month.  I used my body as the excuse as I haven’t been able to use the program fully for months because I didn’t want to get into other stuff.

I had been triggered by them while in a state of depression, was feelng a lot anger at the same time, and felt like my decision was knee-jerk until this happened: Therapist’s reaction to the decision was to help me realize I felt like they treated me like my mom does, and to point out it was a huge step to recognize my worthiness and leave. And she told me she was proud of me for being able to recognize what I need. Stretch Guy’s reaction was to tell me he’s proud of me, and then to share why he really left. It was almost comical how similar their reactions were, on the one hand I’ve got the experienced professional and on the other I’ve got the not-professional but similar life story person. Quite validating, I must say!

Anyway, to capture what I went through during and after that, I’ve tweaked some of my ratings. I realized I need an anxiety rating because I definitely vacillate between depression and anxiety.  

  1. Awful 😭
  2. really really bad 😩
  3. can’t get out of bed ☹️
  4. flooded - angry and/or crying, non-functional 🤬😭
  5. numb, emotions shut down but functioning 😶
  6. Meh. Going thru motions  😐
  7. Anxious, jittery 😬
  8. pretty good 🙂
  9. feeling well and meaning it. 😊
  10. Ah-mazing 😁