In a recent therapy appointment, she pointed out that I am going to have to talk to my mom and it's going to be the biggest hurdle in integrating the work I've been doing. I managed to get myself to a place where I decided, ok, fine, she wants to talk, she's afraid to/doesn't know how/can't approach me so I'll set it up and see what happens. See if I get triggered in the moment if I'm more resilient and able to let go after.
Then I learn that when my parents traveled to Oregon recently, she brought a journal that she gave to my brother (not knowing that we had been contacted by our uncles). It's from when she was married to my biological father and I was 2 years old. No one can convince me that she was just being thoughtless with what she did, it was a fucking clear message that I don't deserve to know anything until I comply and act the way she thinks I should act. There have been so many opportunities over the past several years, starting with when I asked them to read a book on adoption and she barely acknowledged reading the book. I've pushed harder since then as I've been in therapy and learning to ask for what I need. The more I ask for what I need, the more she withholds because I don’t ask in the way she deems acceptable. Another thing became crystal clear too, I am definitely all alone in the identification of the narcissist in the room. My brother can't see it and writes it off as having different relationships, and mine with her is more difficult than his with her. (says the one who ran away from the situation). It's difficult not to go down the rabbit hole of self doubt and shame even with all this work.
So far, I’ve been ok, excepting the news from my brother when I cried myself to sleep. For his part, my brother told me he told my mom that she needs to let me see it, but it’s clear she either doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to reach out to me. This is where I have such a problem. She is the parent. I still expect her to act like a parent. Therapist says, hey, but what if she can’t? She doesn’t have the emotional capacity to address this situation in a healthy way. So then, it’s up to me, for my mental health to basically test it all out. See if I am at the point where I can talk to her, see what she has to say and go from there. It’s really a test of whether or not to completely cut them off. I’m not likely to suddenly see a miracle and get the mother I always needed, and I’m not likely to even get a half-way. It’s likely to be more of the same, the difference is….am I able to see it in a different light?