Let’s just call this what it is, shall we?
I, Geochick, both feet firmly on the ground, thinking, analytical, judgement oriented “doer” in life is going through a spiritual awakening, a transformation challenging everything I’ve ever been taught and internalized.
You guys, I voluntarily listened to over 4 hours of a woman who purportedly channels a group of non-physical beings spout off about the laws of the Universe. Granted, I spent quite a few of those 4 hours trying to figure out if she was faking her curiously Eastern European-esque accent and completely bonkers grammar, but I listened to the whole thing.
I’m going to my second Gong Bath and taking S with me. Last week, SG gave me a smudging when I showed up for stretch in a mood and I felt lightheaded and more relaxed after the clearing.
What has happened to Geochick? Are we in bizarro-world?
My head was spinning after walking out of a therapy appointment where once again, I was focused on SG and my anxiety surrounding my relationship with him. He’s been a focus for about a month and she was curious why. I have been more anxious again when it comes to him, because I’m growing closer to him and that is super scary. Even SG has asked me how I was able to let S in, and similar to my response to Therapist #1 when she asked me the same question all those years ago, I don’t know. Therapist #3 has some thoughts, like S and I are cut from the same cloth and with my avoidant attachment style, it didn’t really feel that scary to open up. It was difficult, but I wanted to be with him, so I pushed through. It took a long time before the two of us were having really deep feeling conversations given our similarities. We had them and we still do, but it was more of a natural progression of our relationship. With SG, it’s completely opposite, and I’ve felt like he’s often dragging me along while I throw tantrums like a toddler (or our Prez). After some talk with Therapist #3 she pointed out that in getting close to SG, I’m freaking out because I’m fighting my survival instinct. Attachment is survival, and for me that means keeping everyone away because it’s not safe. The fact that I’m fighting against it by letting SG literally provide a shoulder to cry on is apparently positive. She says I’m rewiring my brain (as much as you can rewire it at 44) so that I can be more open with people in general, and she gives me encouragement to continue opening up to him. Part of that opening up came with a suggestion to talk to him about boundaries. I don’t really know where mine are because I’m trying to break down the armor, and I don’t know where his are because it feels like he’s waiting for me to draw the line somewhere. I tried to talk about it a little at my last appointment with SG, but man, that’s an impossible task. I got as far as making some noise about attachment issues and such without coming out and saying it. I had to put it in an e-mail later and I ripped the bandaid off with “when it comes to some of my attachment issues, you’re in the bullseye.” I didn’t hear back from him for several days, which then threw me into more anxiety. Five days into the anxiety, Therapist #3 walked me through a “what is the story you’re telling yourself and what are the other stories that could actually be happening?” exercise, which calmed me down. The story I always tell myself is “welp, scared him away this time” when reality has showed the opposite again and again.
Which brings me back to spiritual awakening. Early on in my renewed interest in yoga, during a shavasana, I had a vision. I don’t use that word lightly, because I never experienced anything as profound as this. The vision was orange light, like a setting sun, I was standing facing the light with S on one side and SG on the other, holding their hands. I felt warm, calm, loved and supported. I was kind of shocked when the teacher brought us out of it and had a pretty good cry fest along with “what was that????” on the way home. Since then, there hasn’t been as an intense experience, but that vision is what I think I’ve been holding onto to help me combat my instinct to run.
Another revelation, SG suggested I listen to the Law of Attraction after he had listened to it for the first time. I mentioned it laughingly to Therapist #3 and she revealed how long she’s been following Esther Hicks, telling me it’s not something she brings up often given the woo-woo nature of the whole thing. She also laughed that I’m the last person she would have thought to present the concept to. My 2 favorite yoga teachers are most definitely into the woo-woo spirituality world, and I crave their classes. My network chiropractor has mentioned the energy connection to me more than once so guess which side of the spectrum he’s on. I have surrounded myself with 5 people who all embody a spirituality that I’ve been taught is “wrong”. And way back when… Therapist #1 once told me that she absolutely believes everything happens for a reason and I remember sitting in her office thinking, “really? seems all coincidental to me”
As I explore more of what it means to be me, I chose a word to carry through 2019: